"a mind diseased and a world crumbling in despair..."

i'm not saying this for people to worry. i'm not doing this to cause drama. i'm not trying to get people to notice me and comment.

this is just an honest straight to god plea.

i cannot take any more of this. i am at my breaking point.

and it's like you keep testing me a little bit further to see just how much farther I can go and i can't. i can't go any farther.

or maybe i can, but it won't be me then. it'll be a me taken over by bitterness, anger and frustration. and i don't want that. i'm trying so hard here. so hard to keep a smile, a peace that comes only from you. i've been so grateful for that peace, but now, as things keep hitting i just can't keep a hold on it and bitterness and anger start to creep in.

i'm trying so hard. why? why do you keep throwing things at us? why? i can't do it. i can't. you'renot supposed to give us more than we can't handle....i know we're getting stronger as we fight through all these hard times together. but i can't take any more. the tears keep coming, the frustration gets higher and the desperation sinks lower.

i keep praying for peace and hope and guidance and patience....and instead, more crap hits the fan, and less peace remains.

losing a job was hard enough on us. we're still struggling so hard to get through that and i don't know how we're going to. honestly. i know you've got something better coming. but i don't know where or when. and i honestly, don't even care that i don't know. i'm not trying to control any of it. i just know it has to happen before the wedding or we will have no place to live.

and i'm scared. i'm so scared. and i can't stop crying because i don't know what to do. and when i do stop crying, then i just get upset. the peace and understanding i had a month ago is gone and replaced with bitter whispers and just hurt and fear.

and if that's not enough...car gets hit, doesn't get a job after a surefire interview, nothing left in town and trying to look out of town, and now...car broken into and things stolen.

really? did we need that?

no...we didn't.

so why? i know it's ok to wrestle and embrace and i can feel your big arms holding me as i cry. i can hear your whispers of hope...but they aren't quite penetrating through the fear...so the tears keep coming as i collapse on the floor...just waiting for something good to happen. just waiting for what you've got good in store...because i really can't take this crap any more.