"Just one lifetime won't be enough for us..."

Just one of the many wonderful quotes adorning my walls. this one is located right above our tv/entertainment center. how true. it makes me smile.

we've had five years together. five years. that's a long dang time. we've gone through so much. there are moments when those five years seem exceptionally long...filled with so many memories that the filing cabinets of my mind can't keep them all straight. there are other moments when those years seem to have whisked by so unbelievably fast.

we've grown up. in so many ways. and we're still kids. in so many ways. little kids, playing house for real. cooking, cleaning, playing, laughing, dreaming.

Dreaming...which reminds me...lately, i've been dreaming, wishing, hoping to be better. i'm not having a pity party or anything of the sort. i'm not depressed or anything like that (although sunny warmer weather would probably improve my mood...as would a different week of the month!) but yesterday as i was laying awake and trying to fall asleep, next to my amazing husband (so weird to say that)...all i could think was, "I wish I was better..." at everything. and like i said, not in a depressing way or a bad way. i just wish I was a better friend, a better wife, a better daughter, a better writer, a better reader, a better worker. I wish I was more motivated to do the things I love, and if I were more motivated, I'm sure I would then be a lot better at all those things. I wish I wasn't tired all the time. i wish i could work out and be in shape. i wish i was better with my mary kay business so that someday, i wouldn't have to work fulltime to support my family. I wish I had the time to be motivated to do those things that i love and want to be better at. I have a stack a mile high of books i would just love to curl up and read. books that would entertain, books to feed the soul, books to inspire, books to help me create, books to teach, and the finally the ultimate book--my bible to study, learn, be filled. i have a stack of empty journals i would love to fill with quiet ramblings of my life; fill with quotes from movies and books; i would love to fill them with stories that have run over in my mind. there's music i want to listen to, play on the piano, sing and maybe perform. there's plays and musicals i want to be in. i want to thrive again.

and maybe this is where i can start. maybe i'll be able to build up that motivation to do all those things i want to do so badly, be so badly. i wish i had some break to look forward to. to say...ok during this break, i am going to start getting better at x, y, and z. that is almost motivation enough to be a teacher (though i don't think i'd ever love it and i sure as heck would never wanna go back to school). the idea of a summer break, where there's no work looming. no force making get up and be stuck in a windowless world while it's beautiful and free outside. but sadly...i'm not a teacher, not will i ever be. so there is no big break coming up on the horizon. somehow i've gotta find a way to fit all the things i want to do and be into my crazy jammed packed life. and you know me, i'm organized, and if i can't do it...i'm at a loss. but i guess i'll hafta try. and maybe if i start, it'll just keep rolling. and i'll have exciting things in each day to look forward to. i don't know why i'm quite so thoughtful as of late...maybe it's because i feel like i'm starting this new chapter of life and i want to start it right. i sound so excited and hopeful right now...i hope i actually make good on these little inklings of vows to make my life better.

i've rambled enough so i'll leave you with one more quote...i know i'm a dork, but i'm ok with it. and if you're reading this, you love me anyway.