i don't know how i feel. i really don't. so you don't have to ask. because i don't know. i don't know what to say when people ask me that. i'm doing fine today. i'm ok today.
but there are moments.
sometimes i wonder if it hasn't really hit me yet. or if i just don't know how to grieve. because i've only had a few moments. i mean the day we found out was hard. but that was almost 2 weeks ago. since then i've only broke down a few times. i've been too busy. well not even that. i don't wanna say i've had too many excuses to grieve or whatever. i just jumped back in to the cycle because i didn't know what else to do. and because i kinda think i had to. my jobs didn't really offer a whole lot of time to just sit back and not work. i don't feel like i had that option. so now i'm back in the full swing of things and i don't feel like i have the time to go backwards and be sad.
so there's just moments.
like last tuesday. the day after all the serious stuff. i worked in the nursery. and held my new little favorite. a little 6 week old baby. he is so tiny and so precious. and as we sat in the corner and i rocked and fed him, i just lost it. i wanted it so bad. i wanted to be able to hold my little baby and rock and sing to them. but i didn't get the chance. and at that moment, he grabbed my finger and held on tight and i just sat there and bawled.
on wednesday i was doing fine. until they sang "you never let go" at delta. and i lost it. he never lets go of me. through the calm and through the storm.
and i've been so good since then...practically a week. and today...today has just been, melancholy. i dunno why. there's just been moments when tears spring to my eyes and i don't know why.
i guess, my biggest thing i've been thinking about today is God's plan. the thing that i just do not get is why this is God's plan. the pregnancy was soooo obviously God's plan. everything happened so perfectly and exactly that it had to be God's doing. so if that was God's plan, why did it end this way? why would God plan it to happen this way? does God plan for the hardships and pain to happen? or does He just know it's going to happen and it's not what He wants? but if He knows, why let it happen? i know we're not supposed to know or get it. and i'm not necessarily questioning God and everything like that. but those are the circles my mind is running in.
and then there's the whole thing...when we found out that we were pregnant, it wasn't exactly what we'd been planning...but we weren't scared. we were completely trusting that this was God's plan for us and that He was doing what was best for us. and now to have it end this way...why is this what's best for us? Why take the baby away? were we really not going to do a good job yet? did he think we weren't ready? and i know this probably isn't true...but still, the thoughts are there.
but i just don't know what i'm feeling. i'm thinking. i'm healing physically. but i don't know what i'm feeling. and it's hard to even figure out what i'm thinking. everything has happened so quickly that my body is moving on and i can barely wrap my mind and emotions around what is going on. so if i just lay here...would you lie with me and just forget the world?
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You should not dwell in the obscure and unknown. Asking god for an answer will not produce less greivance on your part. You need to cling to the absolute, your loving husband and supportive family. You need to trust yourself, trust your body, trust the very methods that brought you into this world. Look around your life, I gaurantee there are many things that are concrete, things that will not budge no matter the shock. Seek advice from doctors and learn as much as you can from this, it does not make it hurt less but understanding the "why" will leave you a lot less hollow inside. Gaining knowledge will also help when in the future you decide to try for a child. You have the strength, that is obvious, do not ask unanswerable questions that will leave you with no one to blame.
ReplyDeleteOh, babe, wish I could wrap my arms around you and hold you. I can't say that I understand, of course. I don't understand God very often either...wish I could say something that made sense. But all I can say is do what you are doing, hold tightly to Him. I don't believe His plan was for you to lose the child. I believe He saw his or her life unfold, their future, everything. I don't know why it happens. It's easy to get caught in the "whys." I'm the first to know. Anyway, I don't know if this even helped, probably said too much. Just know I love you a ton. God is holding you so tightly right now, too. Praying...hugs and love ~ your cuz.
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