"when the tears fall" by tim hughes
this song has been my anthem this month...and there's a lot of people i would highly recommend this song to...because who hasn't had a tear fall? who hasn't had a question? (that's the alternate title...i've had questions) so check out these lyrics...and listen to the song...it moves me to tears and always moves me to Him...my abba daddy holding me...
"I've had questions without answers
I've known sorrow, I have known pain
But there's one thing that I cling to
You are faithful, Jesus You're true
When hope is lost
I call You Saviour
When pain surrounds
I call You Healer
When silence falls
You'll be the song within my heart
In the lone hour of my sorrow
Through the darkest night of my soul
You surround me, You sustain me
My defender for ever more
When hope is lost
I call You Saviour
When pain surrounds
I call You Healer
When silence falls
You'll be the song within my heart
And I will praise You
I will Praise You
When the tears fall
Still I will sing to You
I will praise You
Jesus praise You
Through the suffering
Still I will sing to You
When hope is lost
I call You Saviour
When pain surrounds
I call You Healer
When silence falls
You'll be the song within my heart
I will praise You
I will praise You
When the tears fall
Still I will sing to you
I will praise You
Jesus I will praise You
Through the suffering
Still I will sing to you
When the laughter fails to comfort
When my heart aches, Lord You'll be there
When confusion is all around me
And the darkness is my closest friend
Still I'll praise You
Jesus praise You "
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
"isn't it ironic...don'tcha think?"
here's the ironic part, stick with the story, i gotta build up to it...
Summer 2007...i got this idea for a story and started doing some research and writing it. the thing is...i normally write stories about the things i know maybe including some sort of illness that i don't deal with on a regular basis...you know something to make life interesting! :) so i started writing this story that was totally something that was from my imagination and no part of it was really a fanciful version of my life...total fiction. well summer 2007 was 2 years ago. this story basically got shelved like the rest of my started works. it never got past like page 5. but ive always kept it on my laptop.
May 2009...that post where "creative juices started flowing..." member? i came back to that story and added some more to it. it was about a married couple. the original idea totally came from a dream (and not a dream where Dan and I were married, that's for sure. marriage was not really on my mind summer 07). so now (may 09) i had slight marriage knowledge so i was adding to the story. story once again got pushed aside for loss of ideas and business.
October 2009...going through my laptop and the story comes up. ironic part i never told you. story is about a married couple going trying to live life after a miscarriage. ..... that's right. ironic? i think so. either i was prophesying way back in 07 or i just spoke something into existence, which kinda sucks. because back then, i knew nothing about married life and i knew nothing about what a miscarriage felt like. now i do. maybe i'll start some more work on this one. maybe this one is supposed to be the book i actually finish.
maybe this one i'll carry to term, actually complete, and give birth to a best seller.
Summer 2007...i got this idea for a story and started doing some research and writing it. the thing is...i normally write stories about the things i know maybe including some sort of illness that i don't deal with on a regular basis...you know something to make life interesting! :) so i started writing this story that was totally something that was from my imagination and no part of it was really a fanciful version of my life...total fiction. well summer 2007 was 2 years ago. this story basically got shelved like the rest of my started works. it never got past like page 5. but ive always kept it on my laptop.
May 2009...that post where "creative juices started flowing..." member? i came back to that story and added some more to it. it was about a married couple. the original idea totally came from a dream (and not a dream where Dan and I were married, that's for sure. marriage was not really on my mind summer 07). so now (may 09) i had slight marriage knowledge so i was adding to the story. story once again got pushed aside for loss of ideas and business.
October 2009...going through my laptop and the story comes up. ironic part i never told you. story is about a married couple going trying to live life after a miscarriage. ..... that's right. ironic? i think so. either i was prophesying way back in 07 or i just spoke something into existence, which kinda sucks. because back then, i knew nothing about married life and i knew nothing about what a miscarriage felt like. now i do. maybe i'll start some more work on this one. maybe this one is supposed to be the book i actually finish.
maybe this one i'll carry to term, actually complete, and give birth to a best seller.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
"wishing you were somehow here again..."
that song just popped in to my head...from phantom of the opera. quite appropriate i guess.
realized yesterday that i would've finished my first trimester...made me sad. soaked in a tub last night and just looked at my tummy knowing there was no longer a little baby, a little heartbeat inside. right now, i should have a little belly starting to show...and i don't. i should be a third of the way through my pregnancy, instead i'm sitting here with nothing.
i know there will be moments...i have them.
maybe it just hit me because this past week was rough! not emotionally...that was 2 weeks ago. this week was busy, stressful, frustrating...because of my J.O.B. but my mary kay business is taking off. like popcorn, jamie says. it's all gonna happen this month. i am finishing my car and will be a director before the year is over. and i was given this urgency and ultimate motivation because of my little blueberry baby. and now, my baby's gone...but i still want to finish these goals. finish strong. to show my little baby up in heaven that its momma is a survivor, a fighter, a super woman!
i wanted to be pregnant with my best friend. and we almost were. i'm so excited for her. but today...my heart is sad, knowing our babies would've only been 6 weeks apart.
realized yesterday that i would've finished my first trimester...made me sad. soaked in a tub last night and just looked at my tummy knowing there was no longer a little baby, a little heartbeat inside. right now, i should have a little belly starting to show...and i don't. i should be a third of the way through my pregnancy, instead i'm sitting here with nothing.
i know there will be moments...i have them.
maybe it just hit me because this past week was rough! not emotionally...that was 2 weeks ago. this week was busy, stressful, frustrating...because of my J.O.B. but my mary kay business is taking off. like popcorn, jamie says. it's all gonna happen this month. i am finishing my car and will be a director before the year is over. and i was given this urgency and ultimate motivation because of my little blueberry baby. and now, my baby's gone...but i still want to finish these goals. finish strong. to show my little baby up in heaven that its momma is a survivor, a fighter, a super woman!
i wanted to be pregnant with my best friend. and we almost were. i'm so excited for her. but today...my heart is sad, knowing our babies would've only been 6 weeks apart.
Monday, October 5, 2009
"if i lay here...would you lie with me and just forget the world"
i don't know how i feel. i really don't. so you don't have to ask. because i don't know. i don't know what to say when people ask me that. i'm doing fine today. i'm ok today.
but there are moments.
sometimes i wonder if it hasn't really hit me yet. or if i just don't know how to grieve. because i've only had a few moments. i mean the day we found out was hard. but that was almost 2 weeks ago. since then i've only broke down a few times. i've been too busy. well not even that. i don't wanna say i've had too many excuses to grieve or whatever. i just jumped back in to the cycle because i didn't know what else to do. and because i kinda think i had to. my jobs didn't really offer a whole lot of time to just sit back and not work. i don't feel like i had that option. so now i'm back in the full swing of things and i don't feel like i have the time to go backwards and be sad.
so there's just moments.
like last tuesday. the day after all the serious stuff. i worked in the nursery. and held my new little favorite. a little 6 week old baby. he is so tiny and so precious. and as we sat in the corner and i rocked and fed him, i just lost it. i wanted it so bad. i wanted to be able to hold my little baby and rock and sing to them. but i didn't get the chance. and at that moment, he grabbed my finger and held on tight and i just sat there and bawled.
on wednesday i was doing fine. until they sang "you never let go" at delta. and i lost it. he never lets go of me. through the calm and through the storm.
and i've been so good since then...practically a week. and today...today has just been, melancholy. i dunno why. there's just been moments when tears spring to my eyes and i don't know why.
i guess, my biggest thing i've been thinking about today is God's plan. the thing that i just do not get is why this is God's plan. the pregnancy was soooo obviously God's plan. everything happened so perfectly and exactly that it had to be God's doing. so if that was God's plan, why did it end this way? why would God plan it to happen this way? does God plan for the hardships and pain to happen? or does He just know it's going to happen and it's not what He wants? but if He knows, why let it happen? i know we're not supposed to know or get it. and i'm not necessarily questioning God and everything like that. but those are the circles my mind is running in.
and then there's the whole thing...when we found out that we were pregnant, it wasn't exactly what we'd been planning...but we weren't scared. we were completely trusting that this was God's plan for us and that He was doing what was best for us. and now to have it end this way...why is this what's best for us? Why take the baby away? were we really not going to do a good job yet? did he think we weren't ready? and i know this probably isn't true...but still, the thoughts are there.
but i just don't know what i'm feeling. i'm thinking. i'm healing physically. but i don't know what i'm feeling. and it's hard to even figure out what i'm thinking. everything has happened so quickly that my body is moving on and i can barely wrap my mind and emotions around what is going on. so if i just lay here...would you lie with me and just forget the world?
but there are moments.
sometimes i wonder if it hasn't really hit me yet. or if i just don't know how to grieve. because i've only had a few moments. i mean the day we found out was hard. but that was almost 2 weeks ago. since then i've only broke down a few times. i've been too busy. well not even that. i don't wanna say i've had too many excuses to grieve or whatever. i just jumped back in to the cycle because i didn't know what else to do. and because i kinda think i had to. my jobs didn't really offer a whole lot of time to just sit back and not work. i don't feel like i had that option. so now i'm back in the full swing of things and i don't feel like i have the time to go backwards and be sad.
so there's just moments.
like last tuesday. the day after all the serious stuff. i worked in the nursery. and held my new little favorite. a little 6 week old baby. he is so tiny and so precious. and as we sat in the corner and i rocked and fed him, i just lost it. i wanted it so bad. i wanted to be able to hold my little baby and rock and sing to them. but i didn't get the chance. and at that moment, he grabbed my finger and held on tight and i just sat there and bawled.
on wednesday i was doing fine. until they sang "you never let go" at delta. and i lost it. he never lets go of me. through the calm and through the storm.
and i've been so good since then...practically a week. and today...today has just been, melancholy. i dunno why. there's just been moments when tears spring to my eyes and i don't know why.
i guess, my biggest thing i've been thinking about today is God's plan. the thing that i just do not get is why this is God's plan. the pregnancy was soooo obviously God's plan. everything happened so perfectly and exactly that it had to be God's doing. so if that was God's plan, why did it end this way? why would God plan it to happen this way? does God plan for the hardships and pain to happen? or does He just know it's going to happen and it's not what He wants? but if He knows, why let it happen? i know we're not supposed to know or get it. and i'm not necessarily questioning God and everything like that. but those are the circles my mind is running in.
and then there's the whole thing...when we found out that we were pregnant, it wasn't exactly what we'd been planning...but we weren't scared. we were completely trusting that this was God's plan for us and that He was doing what was best for us. and now to have it end this way...why is this what's best for us? Why take the baby away? were we really not going to do a good job yet? did he think we weren't ready? and i know this probably isn't true...but still, the thoughts are there.
but i just don't know what i'm feeling. i'm thinking. i'm healing physically. but i don't know what i'm feeling. and it's hard to even figure out what i'm thinking. everything has happened so quickly that my body is moving on and i can barely wrap my mind and emotions around what is going on. so if i just lay here...would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Monday, September 28, 2009
"breathe...just breathe"
for some reason that song has repeatedly popped into my head this weekend. it's the one by anna nalick. and the verses don't really have anything to do with what we're going through...but the chorus just keeps popping up. "cause we can't jump the tracks, we're like cars on a cable, and life's like an hourglass glued to the table. no one can find the rewind button, girl. so cradle your head in your hands. and breathe, just breathe."
there's no real way to explain what has happened or what is really going on right now.
Thursday we went in for our 9 week ultrasound. They could not find a heartbeat. Thursday was heartbreaking. so many tears. so much raw emotion. friday, it was surreal; not quite believable. nothing felt any different. a waiting game. how could this be true? late friday night, the spotting began. with that came a whole new realm of tears. knowing our baby was no longer alive; no chance for a miracle. saturday was an escape. i sat and watched movie after movie and did not really acknowledge the world or my situation. and sunday. sunday came the pain. god awful cramps and excruciating pain accompanied by an immense loss of blood. i was in pain, i was scared to be alone, and i knew we had lost our baby. monday morning. pain was pretty much gone. blood loss had lessened. and early the morning, i saw our baby in the flesh.
the weirdest moment of my life. if you're grossed out easily this will maybe gross you out. all i can say is that this day has been so outside of myself. i feel very disjuncted and objective. and i have a feeling, come tomorrow and the days that follow, the emotions that i should have felt today will probably sneak up on me. today i saw my little baby. the pinprick of eyes, little arms, tiny body. tiny doesn't do it justice. so small. how can something that small be alive and have a heartbeat. and yet, it was. that was my baby.
and i lost it.
there's no real way to explain what has happened or what is really going on right now.
Thursday we went in for our 9 week ultrasound. They could not find a heartbeat. Thursday was heartbreaking. so many tears. so much raw emotion. friday, it was surreal; not quite believable. nothing felt any different. a waiting game. how could this be true? late friday night, the spotting began. with that came a whole new realm of tears. knowing our baby was no longer alive; no chance for a miracle. saturday was an escape. i sat and watched movie after movie and did not really acknowledge the world or my situation. and sunday. sunday came the pain. god awful cramps and excruciating pain accompanied by an immense loss of blood. i was in pain, i was scared to be alone, and i knew we had lost our baby. monday morning. pain was pretty much gone. blood loss had lessened. and early the morning, i saw our baby in the flesh.
the weirdest moment of my life. if you're grossed out easily this will maybe gross you out. all i can say is that this day has been so outside of myself. i feel very disjuncted and objective. and i have a feeling, come tomorrow and the days that follow, the emotions that i should have felt today will probably sneak up on me. today i saw my little baby. the pinprick of eyes, little arms, tiny body. tiny doesn't do it justice. so small. how can something that small be alive and have a heartbeat. and yet, it was. that was my baby.
and i lost it.
Monday, September 7, 2009
Memoirs of a girl becoming a mommy...
Wow. Isn't that crazy? I don't post for ages...(sorry) and then I come back and KaPow! I'm pregnant! The reason I hadn't blogged in ages was because I got an actual physical paper journal and was writing in that...tho not very consistantly. And now, here I am. I figured I better document this journey because it's the only time I'll be pregnant for the first time!
Surprise! God's plans are always different than mine. When will that lesson sink in? He keeps trying to teach me that and I keep making my life plans. So He throws in a surprise here and there to keep me guessing. This is, of course, a good surprise--just not at all what we were expecting or ready for. But I guess no one is really completely ready for their first kid!
So we found out Aug 19th for positive, though we'd kinda been guessing and talking about it for the weeks prior. Not because it was planned by us, but because everything was so exact that it had to be planned by God. His fingerprints are all over this one! We told our parents/families the following weekend (the 28th) and then Dan exploding on Sunday and told practically everyone at PM, and then after telling a bunch of our friends it went up on Facebook on Tuesday to just get it out to the world.
And here we are. Technically today I am exactly 5 weeks from conception (so 5 out of 38 weeks), although most of the time they start counting weeks from the first day of the last cycle, so then I'm 7 weeks along out of 40. We have a little blueberry this week! We've found a bunch of sites that tell you what is going on and such that are very helpful and informative. But one of my favs is http://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/blogs/nb_checklists/pages/how-big-is-baby.aspx?r=0. Check it out! It tells you how the baby's growing, but then gives you it's size according to a fruit, etc. Really cute. So we have a blueberry!
So to answer the typical questions...we are due around April 25/26th. We haven't gotten the for sure Doctor assigned due date...but that should be it. I'm doing ok and Dan's doing great. I have had some morning sickness, but I think my vitamins were making it worse. So I switched and am now taking these huge horsepills at night and that has pretty much eliminated most of the morning sickness. I've only had like one real bad day, but I still never actually threw up. I think the biggest thing for me, is I'm EXHAUSTED! All the time. Constantly. Like as soon as I get up, I'm tired already. And if you know me, I'm not a napper. It's really hard for me to actually take naps. So I just try to rest when I can. We are planning on knowing the gender (but we don't plan on telling everyone exactly what we choose for the name because we don't want everyone walking up and talking to the baby as if they already know it! And we also wanna make sure we meet our little one before deciding a name for certain!) We should find out the gender in November--just in time for Christmas presents!
I think that's most of what people have been asking and such...
Dan and I are doing great. Trying to figure out how we can rearrange furniture and such to maximize space in our apartment. I figure we will be fine in this apartment for awhile. While the baby's stuff might take up some extra space--the baby itself won't need a lot of space til it's like a year or two! I know this place feels rather small when we have a 3 year old Riley over.
Speaking of my favorite little boy...I'm sure he will be jealous, but right now, he's just adorable. He walks around going "There's a baby in Betta's tummy" and he'll point at it! So cute! And then I asked him if he was going to play with the baby when it came out of my tummy and he goes, "Well, you better hold it because I can't. But I can be friends with it!" I love him. And I'm really hoping Theresa and Justin get going soon because I want a pregnancy partner and then our little babies will have built in friends! I'm a firm believer in betrothal at birth! hehe
PS...Dan has a gut feeling it's going to be a boy, but I think it's going to be a girl. The funny thing is, Dan has always wanted a girl first and I'm a total sucker for baby boys (well...babies in general I guess!) But when I start thinking about this little one...my mind automatically goes to "baby girl" and I can think of dozens of names and fun things, but "boy" is totally blank. Besides, I pretty much knew immediately that I was pregnant, so maybe that instinct will apply to this too! Of course we will be thrilled with either gender; we just want a healthy little one. 10 tiny fingers, 10 tiny toes.
What else is going on in our lives? Well I went on target for the Chevy Malibu last month! And now my goal is to have it earned by the end of October so I can get it before it snows! And then I can be a director before the baby is born! That is the ultimate goal. Because I have always wanted to be a stay home mom. Just be home and finally be able to write and do the things I love. Mary Kay can totally provide that for our family, so that's what I'm working hard towards. I've got my urgency and my deadline and I WILL DO IT! I can't wait! I'll have a Jensen Unit and a little Jensen family!
Well I guess this is long enough for you all to get through. Just catching you up I guess! Till next time!
Surprise! God's plans are always different than mine. When will that lesson sink in? He keeps trying to teach me that and I keep making my life plans. So He throws in a surprise here and there to keep me guessing. This is, of course, a good surprise--just not at all what we were expecting or ready for. But I guess no one is really completely ready for their first kid!
So we found out Aug 19th for positive, though we'd kinda been guessing and talking about it for the weeks prior. Not because it was planned by us, but because everything was so exact that it had to be planned by God. His fingerprints are all over this one! We told our parents/families the following weekend (the 28th) and then Dan exploding on Sunday and told practically everyone at PM, and then after telling a bunch of our friends it went up on Facebook on Tuesday to just get it out to the world.
And here we are. Technically today I am exactly 5 weeks from conception (so 5 out of 38 weeks), although most of the time they start counting weeks from the first day of the last cycle, so then I'm 7 weeks along out of 40. We have a little blueberry this week! We've found a bunch of sites that tell you what is going on and such that are very helpful and informative. But one of my favs is http://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/blogs/nb_checklists/pages/how-big-is-baby.aspx?r=0. Check it out! It tells you how the baby's growing, but then gives you it's size according to a fruit, etc. Really cute. So we have a blueberry!
So to answer the typical questions...we are due around April 25/26th. We haven't gotten the for sure Doctor assigned due date...but that should be it. I'm doing ok and Dan's doing great. I have had some morning sickness, but I think my vitamins were making it worse. So I switched and am now taking these huge horsepills at night and that has pretty much eliminated most of the morning sickness. I've only had like one real bad day, but I still never actually threw up. I think the biggest thing for me, is I'm EXHAUSTED! All the time. Constantly. Like as soon as I get up, I'm tired already. And if you know me, I'm not a napper. It's really hard for me to actually take naps. So I just try to rest when I can. We are planning on knowing the gender (but we don't plan on telling everyone exactly what we choose for the name because we don't want everyone walking up and talking to the baby as if they already know it! And we also wanna make sure we meet our little one before deciding a name for certain!) We should find out the gender in November--just in time for Christmas presents!
I think that's most of what people have been asking and such...
Dan and I are doing great. Trying to figure out how we can rearrange furniture and such to maximize space in our apartment. I figure we will be fine in this apartment for awhile. While the baby's stuff might take up some extra space--the baby itself won't need a lot of space til it's like a year or two! I know this place feels rather small when we have a 3 year old Riley over.
Speaking of my favorite little boy...I'm sure he will be jealous, but right now, he's just adorable. He walks around going "There's a baby in Betta's tummy" and he'll point at it! So cute! And then I asked him if he was going to play with the baby when it came out of my tummy and he goes, "Well, you better hold it because I can't. But I can be friends with it!" I love him. And I'm really hoping Theresa and Justin get going soon because I want a pregnancy partner and then our little babies will have built in friends! I'm a firm believer in betrothal at birth! hehe
PS...Dan has a gut feeling it's going to be a boy, but I think it's going to be a girl. The funny thing is, Dan has always wanted a girl first and I'm a total sucker for baby boys (well...babies in general I guess!) But when I start thinking about this little one...my mind automatically goes to "baby girl" and I can think of dozens of names and fun things, but "boy" is totally blank. Besides, I pretty much knew immediately that I was pregnant, so maybe that instinct will apply to this too! Of course we will be thrilled with either gender; we just want a healthy little one. 10 tiny fingers, 10 tiny toes.
What else is going on in our lives? Well I went on target for the Chevy Malibu last month! And now my goal is to have it earned by the end of October so I can get it before it snows! And then I can be a director before the baby is born! That is the ultimate goal. Because I have always wanted to be a stay home mom. Just be home and finally be able to write and do the things I love. Mary Kay can totally provide that for our family, so that's what I'm working hard towards. I've got my urgency and my deadline and I WILL DO IT! I can't wait! I'll have a Jensen Unit and a little Jensen family!
Well I guess this is long enough for you all to get through. Just catching you up I guess! Till next time!
Friday, May 1, 2009
"i'd rather have 3 minutes of wonderful rather than a lifetime of nothing special..."
that's from my favorite movie...steel magnolias. such a poignant and beautiful movie that makes me cry every time.
but that's so true. i would rather take risks and end up with just a few minutes of wonderful than have a whole lifetime where i didn't go out on any limbs and end up with nothing special.
i'm writing this with my precious little kitten asleep on my stomach and arm. i love her. and i've only really known her a few hours. i can only imagine how much more amazing a real baby will be (but no worries...that'll be quite awhile...that's why we got the fur baby to fill the gap!) it's been such a beautiful day. gorgeous outside...just spending time with my little kitten, playing, napping. just relaxing...i even worked on a story a smidge...finally some creative juices are flowing again.
i just feel like May is my month! my month to shine and thrive. the wedding's over (which is kinda sad, but at least now i have pics and a video), the moving in is over...we are pretty much settled! we have a kitty! and i'm turning 23 next week. weird. you know, age doesn't really mean a whole lots anymore. past 16 and 18 and 21...not much difference til 30. but like i was saying, may is my month. to spend more time on myself. work out maybe. read more. write more. just better myself.
i think i'm gonna do it. i deserve it!
but that's so true. i would rather take risks and end up with just a few minutes of wonderful than have a whole lifetime where i didn't go out on any limbs and end up with nothing special.
i'm writing this with my precious little kitten asleep on my stomach and arm. i love her. and i've only really known her a few hours. i can only imagine how much more amazing a real baby will be (but no worries...that'll be quite awhile...that's why we got the fur baby to fill the gap!) it's been such a beautiful day. gorgeous outside...just spending time with my little kitten, playing, napping. just relaxing...i even worked on a story a smidge...finally some creative juices are flowing again.
i just feel like May is my month! my month to shine and thrive. the wedding's over (which is kinda sad, but at least now i have pics and a video), the moving in is over...we are pretty much settled! we have a kitty! and i'm turning 23 next week. weird. you know, age doesn't really mean a whole lots anymore. past 16 and 18 and 21...not much difference til 30. but like i was saying, may is my month. to spend more time on myself. work out maybe. read more. write more. just better myself.
i think i'm gonna do it. i deserve it!
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