"...Now that I love you, two steps away from you, my lonliness begins."

-Ondine

I love that play. It's probably not healthy. That or it says something about me...that the stories I love so much are tragic love stories. Someone always dies or something along those lines. Maybe I am a freak...a tragically, hopelessly romantic freak.

Does the winter and cold do this to anyone else? Or is it just me? All I ever want to do is curl up with a book and a steaming mug in front of a fire...and the book must be some sort of romance; or curl up under a blanket with a ball of yarn and my knitting sitting in front of a good movie...preferably something tear-jerking or a romantic comedy. And the thing I want most of all is to have the man I love by my side.

I long for the days when we can spend lazy Saturdays and Sundays together doing nothing and just savoring the days. I long for when we can watch a movie and one of us doesn't have to leave to drive home in the cold. Reading Manda's blog made me want that even more. I know there's only 3 months left. And trust me, I know that there is A LOT to do in those few remaining weeks. I know that they will fly past me, but I'm still impatient and I can't wait.

Maybe the other reason I long for those kind of days, is because I get them so rarely. I feel like there are so many things that I'm juggling. I love them all but there are so many balls up in the air: my Mary Kay, the wedding, KidCare, H:PM, the family, Dan, friends. And there's so many aspects to all of those items. And just when I feel like I've got everything down pat, into a good swing of things, one of the balls bursts into pieces and I have to keep all the new pieces in the air too! I just always feel so busy, and so tired. It never stops, does it? Ah well...

This week at church was such a good reminder. You can't control the future. For so long in my life that's what I've tried to do. Keep my juggling act alive, trying desparately to hold onto my version of my path and my future. And what happened? It all came tumbling down. I was so sick of hearing people tell me God was "guiding their lives and choices" that I struck out on my own. And got no where. Just kept trying to hard to do it all on my own. It wasn't until about 2 years ago...wow doesn't feel that long ago...that I finally got that I couldn't do it. The only way to live the life we were created for is to let go...and trust. Trust God's will.

Granted, I'm not real good at that. It's a daily challenge to let go and let God lead...as corny as that may sound. But I'm being serious. I would not be where I am without Him. As crazy as my life gets now, I still have some sort of peace. I know my relationships would all fall to pieces if I didn't keep Him at the center. Dan and I tried that too...and we did fall apart. Our relationship is so much better and stronger now that He is at the center. And even though I don't really know where I'm going, I know I'll get there with Him leading.

Maybe someday I won't have to work a million hours a week and run around like crazy all the time. Someday I might be able to sit at home and just write my heart out and have my amazing husband at my side. I'm trusting that with my heart seeking after His...I'll be ok. And I'm really glad I don't have to handle it all anymore. Lets me breathe a little easier.

I'm sure this has gone all over the place...I feel like it's not very put together, but I just let my fingers go and this is what spewed out. That's me I guess...