that's me. (well actually it's Anne again, but meh...)
i was looking forward to '09. thought i had a lot going for me: good job, awesome mary kay with goals to earn a car soon, a wedding, a marriage.... sure that's still there. but so far...2009 kinda sucks.
i know i need to focus on the good things...because there are lots of them. but right now...i think i may just sulk in the "depths of despair" for a bit. i mean, everyone deserves a venting space, right? i just hate that when i look at my life and my ever fading ideas of what my future may hold...there aren't alot of my wants and desires left.
growing up, all i ever ever ever wanted to be was a writer, and be an actress and a singer on the side. all i write now is this blog and my facebook status...and a million work emails a day. where are all my stories? the faded notebooks and journals that were once passed around like gold from eager reader to eager reader. now, they sit, covered in cobwebs in boxes on my floor. no one reads them. most of them are left unfinished. and even the stories in my head...the ones i don't even have time to write...those are unfinished and not even good enough to start on. and the scariest and saddest part is...the ideas for my little stories come much fewer and farther between. acting and singing...oh how i miss it. what a high. what a rush. i love to memorize lines, write blocking, rush through a costume stage to burst back onstage into the light. i miss it. who knows when i'll get to do any of that again.
who has time to indulge in passions and desires when you have to work fulltime and you're too exhausted for anything else after that?
another dream of mine i've always held to...that seems so silly now...is to not have to work once i have children. to be able to write from home and not "work" in the 9 to 5 sense. honestly, at the rate my life is going right now there's no way this will ever come true. i can't depend on dan to take care of me, let alone a family. that scares me. more now than ever before. because before, he was just my boyfriend. now he's my jobless fiance. and i'm scared. scared that all my dreams are fading away.
i know it doesn't have to be that way. i can be the one to change it all. and i will. i hope. i know i can. by trusting and believing. and knowing there's something better out there for us in the bigger plans that i don't see yet. but at the same time...i know God doesn't want my passions and dreams fading...He put them in me.
maybe my rumpled little spirit can hold onto them for just a little longer...
maybe the new stress that 2009 brings will end up for the better...
...i hope. i'll hold on to my hope in 2009.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
My Dear Becca, It is sooo good to read your beautiful and heartfelt words. You know I'v e said since you were a little girl, that words were your friend. You have such a beautiful way of writing your thoughts. You will always be my writergirl. I love you, and things will be as they are meant to be. You always hang onto your dreams and passions. You are right God gave them to you. I want for you, all that is good and right, all that you want for you and Dan, and your life together. With God directing you that is exactly what you will get, because he can make even the bad into good. I love you more than you know. Love, Mom
ReplyDelete