Memoirs of a girl becoming a mommy...

Wow. Isn't that crazy? I don't post for ages...(sorry) and then I come back and KaPow! I'm pregnant! The reason I hadn't blogged in ages was because I got an actual physical paper journal and was writing in that...tho not very consistantly. And now, here I am. I figured I better document this journey because it's the only time I'll be pregnant for the first time!

Surprise! God's plans are always different than mine. When will that lesson sink in? He keeps trying to teach me that and I keep making my life plans. So He throws in a surprise here and there to keep me guessing. This is, of course, a good surprise--just not at all what we were expecting or ready for. But I guess no one is really completely ready for their first kid!

So we found out Aug 19th for positive, though we'd kinda been guessing and talking about it for the weeks prior. Not because it was planned by us, but because everything was so exact that it had to be planned by God. His fingerprints are all over this one! We told our parents/families the following weekend (the 28th) and then Dan exploding on Sunday and told practically everyone at PM, and then after telling a bunch of our friends it went up on Facebook on Tuesday to just get it out to the world.

And here we are. Technically today I am exactly 5 weeks from conception (so 5 out of 38 weeks), although most of the time they start counting weeks from the first day of the last cycle, so then I'm 7 weeks along out of 40. We have a little blueberry this week! We've found a bunch of sites that tell you what is going on and such that are very helpful and informative. But one of my favs is http://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/blogs/nb_checklists/pages/how-big-is-baby.aspx?r=0. Check it out! It tells you how the baby's growing, but then gives you it's size according to a fruit, etc. Really cute. So we have a blueberry!

So to answer the typical questions...we are due around April 25/26th. We haven't gotten the for sure Doctor assigned due date...but that should be it. I'm doing ok and Dan's doing great. I have had some morning sickness, but I think my vitamins were making it worse. So I switched and am now taking these huge horsepills at night and that has pretty much eliminated most of the morning sickness. I've only had like one real bad day, but I still never actually threw up. I think the biggest thing for me, is I'm EXHAUSTED! All the time. Constantly. Like as soon as I get up, I'm tired already. And if you know me, I'm not a napper. It's really hard for me to actually take naps. So I just try to rest when I can. We are planning on knowing the gender (but we don't plan on telling everyone exactly what we choose for the name because we don't want everyone walking up and talking to the baby as if they already know it! And we also wanna make sure we meet our little one before deciding a name for certain!) We should find out the gender in November--just in time for Christmas presents!

I think that's most of what people have been asking and such...

Dan and I are doing great. Trying to figure out how we can rearrange furniture and such to maximize space in our apartment. I figure we will be fine in this apartment for awhile. While the baby's stuff might take up some extra space--the baby itself won't need a lot of space til it's like a year or two! I know this place feels rather small when we have a 3 year old Riley over.

Speaking of my favorite little boy...I'm sure he will be jealous, but right now, he's just adorable. He walks around going "There's a baby in Betta's tummy" and he'll point at it! So cute! And then I asked him if he was going to play with the baby when it came out of my tummy and he goes, "Well, you better hold it because I can't. But I can be friends with it!" I love him. And I'm really hoping Theresa and Justin get going soon because I want a pregnancy partner and then our little babies will have built in friends! I'm a firm believer in betrothal at birth! hehe

PS...Dan has a gut feeling it's going to be a boy, but I think it's going to be a girl. The funny thing is, Dan has always wanted a girl first and I'm a total sucker for baby boys (well...babies in general I guess!) But when I start thinking about this little one...my mind automatically goes to "baby girl" and I can think of dozens of names and fun things, but "boy" is totally blank. Besides, I pretty much knew immediately that I was pregnant, so maybe that instinct will apply to this too! Of course we will be thrilled with either gender; we just want a healthy little one. 10 tiny fingers, 10 tiny toes.

What else is going on in our lives? Well I went on target for the Chevy Malibu last month! And now my goal is to have it earned by the end of October so I can get it before it snows! And then I can be a director before the baby is born! That is the ultimate goal. Because I have always wanted to be a stay home mom. Just be home and finally be able to write and do the things I love. Mary Kay can totally provide that for our family, so that's what I'm working hard towards. I've got my urgency and my deadline and I WILL DO IT! I can't wait! I'll have a Jensen Unit and a little Jensen family!

Well I guess this is long enough for you all to get through. Just catching you up I guess! Till next time!

"i'd rather have 3 minutes of wonderful rather than a lifetime of nothing special..."

that's from my favorite movie...steel magnolias. such a poignant and beautiful movie that makes me cry every time.

but that's so true. i would rather take risks and end up with just a few minutes of wonderful than have a whole lifetime where i didn't go out on any limbs and end up with nothing special.

i'm writing this with my precious little kitten asleep on my stomach and arm. i love her. and i've only really known her a few hours. i can only imagine how much more amazing a real baby will be (but no worries...that'll be quite awhile...that's why we got the fur baby to fill the gap!) it's been such a beautiful day. gorgeous outside...just spending time with my little kitten, playing, napping. just relaxing...i even worked on a story a smidge...finally some creative juices are flowing again.

i just feel like May is my month! my month to shine and thrive. the wedding's over (which is kinda sad, but at least now i have pics and a video), the moving in is over...we are pretty much settled! we have a kitty! and i'm turning 23 next week. weird. you know, age doesn't really mean a whole lots anymore. past 16 and 18 and 21...not much difference til 30. but like i was saying, may is my month. to spend more time on myself. work out maybe. read more. write more. just better myself.

i think i'm gonna do it. i deserve it!

stories in my mind

there was a moment today that caught me off guard and made me stop and ponder my life.

a little girl excitedly reading a part of her new "chapter book" she had written to her mom.

18 years ago...that little girl was me. so excited as i was still learning how to write, misspelling every other word...but excited nonetheless over the long chapter book i had written (that looking back on it now is only a few pages of notebook paper written on in big letters). stories of princesses, puppies and teeth. bound and illustrated. mysteries and love stories. my shelves are filled with notebooks overflowing with words scribbled in pencil and pen.

and here i am. 18 years later. sitting at a computer doing work that isn't very creative and certainly isn't those exciting stories of years ago. i'm no longer proudly running around saying...

"Like what I have written so far?"

"Just one lifetime won't be enough for us..."

Just one of the many wonderful quotes adorning my walls. this one is located right above our tv/entertainment center. how true. it makes me smile.

we've had five years together. five years. that's a long dang time. we've gone through so much. there are moments when those five years seem exceptionally long...filled with so many memories that the filing cabinets of my mind can't keep them all straight. there are other moments when those years seem to have whisked by so unbelievably fast.

we've grown up. in so many ways. and we're still kids. in so many ways. little kids, playing house for real. cooking, cleaning, playing, laughing, dreaming.

Dreaming...which reminds me...lately, i've been dreaming, wishing, hoping to be better. i'm not having a pity party or anything of the sort. i'm not depressed or anything like that (although sunny warmer weather would probably improve my mood...as would a different week of the month!) but yesterday as i was laying awake and trying to fall asleep, next to my amazing husband (so weird to say that)...all i could think was, "I wish I was better..." at everything. and like i said, not in a depressing way or a bad way. i just wish I was a better friend, a better wife, a better daughter, a better writer, a better reader, a better worker. I wish I was more motivated to do the things I love, and if I were more motivated, I'm sure I would then be a lot better at all those things. I wish I wasn't tired all the time. i wish i could work out and be in shape. i wish i was better with my mary kay business so that someday, i wouldn't have to work fulltime to support my family. I wish I had the time to be motivated to do those things that i love and want to be better at. I have a stack a mile high of books i would just love to curl up and read. books that would entertain, books to feed the soul, books to inspire, books to help me create, books to teach, and the finally the ultimate book--my bible to study, learn, be filled. i have a stack of empty journals i would love to fill with quiet ramblings of my life; fill with quotes from movies and books; i would love to fill them with stories that have run over in my mind. there's music i want to listen to, play on the piano, sing and maybe perform. there's plays and musicals i want to be in. i want to thrive again.

and maybe this is where i can start. maybe i'll be able to build up that motivation to do all those things i want to do so badly, be so badly. i wish i had some break to look forward to. to say...ok during this break, i am going to start getting better at x, y, and z. that is almost motivation enough to be a teacher (though i don't think i'd ever love it and i sure as heck would never wanna go back to school). the idea of a summer break, where there's no work looming. no force making get up and be stuck in a windowless world while it's beautiful and free outside. but sadly...i'm not a teacher, not will i ever be. so there is no big break coming up on the horizon. somehow i've gotta find a way to fit all the things i want to do and be into my crazy jammed packed life. and you know me, i'm organized, and if i can't do it...i'm at a loss. but i guess i'll hafta try. and maybe if i start, it'll just keep rolling. and i'll have exciting things in each day to look forward to. i don't know why i'm quite so thoughtful as of late...maybe it's because i feel like i'm starting this new chapter of life and i want to start it right. i sound so excited and hopeful right now...i hope i actually make good on these little inklings of vows to make my life better.

i've rambled enough so i'll leave you with one more quote...i know i'm a dork, but i'm ok with it. and if you're reading this, you love me anyway.

"extraordinary together...ordinary apart"

here i am. i have not died. just simply had a whirlwind of a month. and here i am on the other side of it all wondering where it all went. the wedding is over (a part of me is kinda sad...there no longer is some big event for me to coordinate and plan) the honeymoon is over (a big part of me is sad...there no longer is a glorious vacation to look forward to)

it's over. no more celebration. no more planning. no more vacation. that's the saddest part i think. i have nothing that i'm looking forward to anymore. no glimpse of freedom, where i'll just get to lay around and do nothing. i want to be back on the beach, the only thought of planning was figuring out what to eat and drink next.

the honeymoon is over. in every sense. no more beach. no more gifts. just back to work. back to our busy life schedules where we rarely see each other (at least i know we'll fall asleep together). on to laundry and trying to cook and trying to clean up. on to a life of busy-ness and watching the boy play video/computer games relentlessly. (maybe i shouldn't have been a cool wife and bought him games...oh well, too late now.)

don't get me wrong. life is wonderful. surreal kinda. i am deliriously happy with our life together. our apartment is cute (white, but cute!) i'm decorating with wall quote stickers...you know me and my quotes. only a few more things to settle, but it's pretty much home. our home. that's so weird to say. it's nice. to have a place of our own. where i know we'll both end up at at the end of our crazy days.

it's weird to be married. to have a different name. it's kinda not fair. a) the guys hafta do practically nothing to pull the whole wedding/reception event off, b) the guys really don't hafta do a whole lot in the moving process except lift the heavy things, and then lastly c) guys don't have to do any of the hassle of name changing. as a girl, you hafta change you license, change your social security card, change your address, change all my work stuff, change the email, phone message, everything. it's a lot.

so now everyone asks how married life is...it's great. but yeah...it's kinda surreal. to have a life of my own! laying in bed this morning, waking up next to my best friend...was weird to think i get to do this forever. it's surreal because you don't really feel a whole lot different...but at the same time, everything's different. i like it!

so yeah...we've been good. had ultimate birth control: riley spent the night saturday night. it was so much fun. i love that child like he is mine. we had the best time ever. nothing special. took him to see my little sister's musical and he was wonderful. came home and watched a movie with dan. went to sleep. woke up and watched tarzan and ate pancakes and he bawled when he had to go home. it felt bad to make him so sad, but good to know he loved us so much. i love him. that child brightens up my life and makes me happy.

and now, we're back in our busy life schedule...and i'm tired. so tired. it's back to the same answer when people ask how i am. i'm tired. drained and exhausted. and my work isn't that hard. why do i just find myself wiped out then? i wish i was back on the beach! maybe i just need something to look forward to...but what? all our big stuff happened in a few short weeks and i'm left with no motivation. all i wanna do is lay around our apartment doing things i wanna do, on my schedule, and just be with dan. sadly...my job does not allow this. so on i go. making money. praying dan will get a fulltime job making enough money so i don't have to work fulltime for much longer.

i know i'm just rambling and i'm sorry. maybe i'll go read or something now. i should start working out...maybe that would give me energy. but i can't find the motivation. i couldn't find the motivation when i was getting married and had a deadline...what's gonna get me off my butt now. someone want a workout partner? :)

"I want all of you, forever, you and me, every day."

it's kind of surreal. 19 days. it's really happening. i'm all grown up and getting married. it's kinda weird. but so exciting. i cannot wait.

i can't wait for an apartment of my own, decorating it myself, filling it with memories and things that are brand new and ours.

i can't wait for jamaica, white sand beaches, all inclusive resorts, snorkeling, sleeping on the beach, relaxing, no more stress.

i can't wait for bridesmaids dresses, hair and makeup, pictures and music, dancing and food, my beautiful wedding dress, personalized chucks.

i can't wait to walk down the aisle on my dad's arm, looking into the eyes of my best friend. i can't wait to see his face at the end of the aisle waiting for me.

but more than anything, i can't wait to be married. i can't wait to start our life together. i can't wait to be able to fall asleep next to him every night and wake up next to him every morning (in our brand new, totally awesome bed!). i can't wait to grow closer, rough through tough times, learn even more about each other, be together.

and it's really happening. in 19 days. that's crazy. it makes my stomach ball up in excitement and my throat catch. it's really happening. as hard and rough as these past few months have been, we have grown and learned. we have fought and loved. and learned over and over that we are meant to be together.

our new life is about to start. and i can't wait!

"a mind diseased and a world crumbling in despair..."

i'm not saying this for people to worry. i'm not doing this to cause drama. i'm not trying to get people to notice me and comment.

this is just an honest straight to god plea.

i cannot take any more of this. i am at my breaking point.

and it's like you keep testing me a little bit further to see just how much farther I can go and i can't. i can't go any farther.

or maybe i can, but it won't be me then. it'll be a me taken over by bitterness, anger and frustration. and i don't want that. i'm trying so hard here. so hard to keep a smile, a peace that comes only from you. i've been so grateful for that peace, but now, as things keep hitting i just can't keep a hold on it and bitterness and anger start to creep in.

i'm trying so hard. why? why do you keep throwing things at us? why? i can't do it. i can't. you'renot supposed to give us more than we can't handle....i know we're getting stronger as we fight through all these hard times together. but i can't take any more. the tears keep coming, the frustration gets higher and the desperation sinks lower.

i keep praying for peace and hope and guidance and patience....and instead, more crap hits the fan, and less peace remains.

losing a job was hard enough on us. we're still struggling so hard to get through that and i don't know how we're going to. honestly. i know you've got something better coming. but i don't know where or when. and i honestly, don't even care that i don't know. i'm not trying to control any of it. i just know it has to happen before the wedding or we will have no place to live.

and i'm scared. i'm so scared. and i can't stop crying because i don't know what to do. and when i do stop crying, then i just get upset. the peace and understanding i had a month ago is gone and replaced with bitter whispers and just hurt and fear.

and if that's not enough...car gets hit, doesn't get a job after a surefire interview, nothing left in town and trying to look out of town, and now...car broken into and things stolen.

really? did we need that?

no...we didn't.

so why? i know it's ok to wrestle and embrace and i can feel your big arms holding me as i cry. i can hear your whispers of hope...but they aren't quite penetrating through the fear...so the tears keep coming as i collapse on the floor...just waiting for something good to happen. just waiting for what you've got good in store...because i really can't take this crap any more.