"I want all of you, forever, you and me, every day."

it's kind of surreal. 19 days. it's really happening. i'm all grown up and getting married. it's kinda weird. but so exciting. i cannot wait.

i can't wait for an apartment of my own, decorating it myself, filling it with memories and things that are brand new and ours.

i can't wait for jamaica, white sand beaches, all inclusive resorts, snorkeling, sleeping on the beach, relaxing, no more stress.

i can't wait for bridesmaids dresses, hair and makeup, pictures and music, dancing and food, my beautiful wedding dress, personalized chucks.

i can't wait to walk down the aisle on my dad's arm, looking into the eyes of my best friend. i can't wait to see his face at the end of the aisle waiting for me.

but more than anything, i can't wait to be married. i can't wait to start our life together. i can't wait to be able to fall asleep next to him every night and wake up next to him every morning (in our brand new, totally awesome bed!). i can't wait to grow closer, rough through tough times, learn even more about each other, be together.

and it's really happening. in 19 days. that's crazy. it makes my stomach ball up in excitement and my throat catch. it's really happening. as hard and rough as these past few months have been, we have grown and learned. we have fought and loved. and learned over and over that we are meant to be together.

our new life is about to start. and i can't wait!

"a mind diseased and a world crumbling in despair..."

i'm not saying this for people to worry. i'm not doing this to cause drama. i'm not trying to get people to notice me and comment.

this is just an honest straight to god plea.

i cannot take any more of this. i am at my breaking point.

and it's like you keep testing me a little bit further to see just how much farther I can go and i can't. i can't go any farther.

or maybe i can, but it won't be me then. it'll be a me taken over by bitterness, anger and frustration. and i don't want that. i'm trying so hard here. so hard to keep a smile, a peace that comes only from you. i've been so grateful for that peace, but now, as things keep hitting i just can't keep a hold on it and bitterness and anger start to creep in.

i'm trying so hard. why? why do you keep throwing things at us? why? i can't do it. i can't. you'renot supposed to give us more than we can't handle....i know we're getting stronger as we fight through all these hard times together. but i can't take any more. the tears keep coming, the frustration gets higher and the desperation sinks lower.

i keep praying for peace and hope and guidance and patience....and instead, more crap hits the fan, and less peace remains.

losing a job was hard enough on us. we're still struggling so hard to get through that and i don't know how we're going to. honestly. i know you've got something better coming. but i don't know where or when. and i honestly, don't even care that i don't know. i'm not trying to control any of it. i just know it has to happen before the wedding or we will have no place to live.

and i'm scared. i'm so scared. and i can't stop crying because i don't know what to do. and when i do stop crying, then i just get upset. the peace and understanding i had a month ago is gone and replaced with bitter whispers and just hurt and fear.

and if that's not enough...car gets hit, doesn't get a job after a surefire interview, nothing left in town and trying to look out of town, and now...car broken into and things stolen.

really? did we need that?

no...we didn't.

so why? i know it's ok to wrestle and embrace and i can feel your big arms holding me as i cry. i can hear your whispers of hope...but they aren't quite penetrating through the fear...so the tears keep coming as i collapse on the floor...just waiting for something good to happen. just waiting for what you've got good in store...because i really can't take this crap any more.

"your life is happening now"

that's our Season 4 tagline for PM. pretty darn true. so often i look at life waiting anxiously for the next big thing that's coming up, or lately, looking back on all the great things that have already happened. and all the while...my life is happening right now.

take for example...this wedding thing i've got coming up :) i can't wait for it to be here. i can't wait to be mrs. jensen. i can't wait to have an apartment of my own to decorate with all the gifts we'll get. i can't wait to be on a beach in jamaica. i can't wait. and i know the planning is exciting...especially for detail oriented nerds like myself. but a part of me just wants to fast forward.

i know this is normal. for so many people. that's prob why they made the movie Click. but still...why do we do this? why do we think and feel this way so often. i know i've done this in the past. i couldn't wait to be out of RVC...my two years there are serious blurs to me, clearing up only when I was in shows. I absolutely couldn't wait to be done with RC...and those two years flew by so fast I couldn't believe it. and now...i've kinda been on auto-pilot/standstill with wedding plans for two months without even realizing it. and when i look at the days and count out the weeks...there's only 70 some days left and that's gonna fly because that's only 10 weeks!!!

why can't we just appreciate the things that God gives us day by day, instead of constantly looking and wishing for something better? maybe that'll be a "resolution" for this year. maybe that's what this blog can be useful for. reminding myself to look for the beauty and good in each day, instead of dwelling on the future or past and constantly wishing for "the days when i don't have to drive 30 minutes to work," and other such things. i know that there will be days when i will seriously miss those long commutes. deep down i know it. i will miss those drives belting out disney and broadway showtunes, i will miss those long phone calls to people i don't always get the chance to just sit and talk to, i will miss those long, much needed talks with my Father that always clear my head and put my mind in perspective, i will miss those sometimes needed cries where no one will bug me and i can just openly shed some tears and still be fine by the time i get home. so while i hate the waste of gas, lack of sleep, and driving in the snow--it is a blessing i will miss.

so this year, i will look for those little blessings in disguise that are in my days. and i will live my life to the fullest, like God wants for me, because my life is happening now. and so is yours. what are you doing with it?

"...I shall be your tears, your laughter, and your dreams..."

"That's not being a wife…It's to be everything your husband is and everything he loves. It's to be the humblest part of him and the noblest…I shall be your tears, your laughter, and your dreams."
--ondine, act 1

so this is what i'm getting myself into! but seriously...when you truly are in love and a part of someone's life like that...you really do feel what they feel and the like. dan and i had a rough week, not relationally but just situationaly. it wasn't fun. i'm glad the week has moved on and that this monday is not nearly as rough as last. but this week...we've shared the tears, and the laughs and the dreams of our future. and i'm glad.

glad that i have someone like that in my life. glad that i get to share my life with him. glad that i get to have a future with him.

as stressful and emotional as this week should have been, dan and i have had fun. my cousin tim came in to town for the weekend and that was a blast. dan and i left friday afternoon for o'hare and got to spend some time in the car and at the airport with tim. we then came home and played poker with my bro and mom til 2 am! ps...i totally won!! saturday we just relaxed and hung out that night. and sunday my whole family plus tim and dan went in to chicago to drop rob off at loyola and spend the day in the city. it was a blast.

i can't wait til dan and i can go on little day trips of our own...and better yet, get to go home together, not leave each other. i know, i'm impatient but 5 years! come on!

and now it's a new week. new ideas, goals, projects and dreams. we will pull through. we will succeed, with god at the helm who can go wrong! tomorrow morning starts up again with Becoming--yay for holding babies....not so yay for having to register them all and deal with their moms! i've been knitting like crazy! and i'm so excited by my projects. i am making a hooded scarf...kinda like my brown one but simpler (seeing as how i didn't make my brown one!) and i am also making these awesome "cleaves" i found online! i'm so excited and can't wait to be finished so i can start on something new! yeah...i'm a knitting nerd. but i'm okay with it.

i think i shall knit a bit before bed since this comp battery is almost dead. goodnight! and good luck facing the blizzard.

"Well in body but considerably rumpled in spirit."

that's me. (well actually it's Anne again, but meh...)

i was looking forward to '09. thought i had a lot going for me: good job, awesome mary kay with goals to earn a car soon, a wedding, a marriage.... sure that's still there. but so far...2009 kinda sucks.

i know i need to focus on the good things...because there are lots of them. but right now...i think i may just sulk in the "depths of despair" for a bit. i mean, everyone deserves a venting space, right? i just hate that when i look at my life and my ever fading ideas of what my future may hold...there aren't alot of my wants and desires left.

growing up, all i ever ever ever wanted to be was a writer, and be an actress and a singer on the side. all i write now is this blog and my facebook status...and a million work emails a day. where are all my stories? the faded notebooks and journals that were once passed around like gold from eager reader to eager reader. now, they sit, covered in cobwebs in boxes on my floor. no one reads them. most of them are left unfinished. and even the stories in my head...the ones i don't even have time to write...those are unfinished and not even good enough to start on. and the scariest and saddest part is...the ideas for my little stories come much fewer and farther between. acting and singing...oh how i miss it. what a high. what a rush. i love to memorize lines, write blocking, rush through a costume stage to burst back onstage into the light. i miss it. who knows when i'll get to do any of that again.

who has time to indulge in passions and desires when you have to work fulltime and you're too exhausted for anything else after that?

another dream of mine i've always held to...that seems so silly now...is to not have to work once i have children. to be able to write from home and not "work" in the 9 to 5 sense. honestly, at the rate my life is going right now there's no way this will ever come true. i can't depend on dan to take care of me, let alone a family. that scares me. more now than ever before. because before, he was just my boyfriend. now he's my jobless fiance. and i'm scared. scared that all my dreams are fading away.

i know it doesn't have to be that way. i can be the one to change it all. and i will. i hope. i know i can. by trusting and believing. and knowing there's something better out there for us in the bigger plans that i don't see yet. but at the same time...i know God doesn't want my passions and dreams fading...He put them in me.

maybe my rumpled little spirit can hold onto them for just a little longer...
maybe the new stress that 2009 brings will end up for the better...

...i hope. i'll hold on to my hope in 2009.

"this is such a jonah day..."

oh how i love Anne of Green Gables. I think I may just bust it out...although not counting Anne, I already have a huge stack of books to read. now i just need the time to read them!

today has been a jonah day for sure. lots of tears and tear induced headaches and exhaustion.

we'll be okay. it all will be okay. and i do really believe that. honest. sometimes you just have to let the tears and fear out and then move past it. it's okay to be scared and wonder what the heck God's up to. It's even okay to wrestle with God--like Jonah. As long as you're wrestling and embracing God. And I am...trying to at least...smiles. we'll be okay. I trust His plan much more than my own.

and knitting makes things better too! i love it. even in the midst of all the crap today, i just pulled out my knitting and then was able to let my mind drift to happier thoughts of knits and purls and soft yarns and pretty, fun, funky things I'm creating with my clumsy ripped up little fingers and rusty wrists. think i'll go work on that now...a perfect happy end to a Jonah day...

unknown

i'm scared. i'm shaking and so cold, but sweating. i'm starving but the thought of food makes me nauseous. my eyes are burning and dry but i can't stop the tears from welling up. my bloodshot eyes look more like the eyes of the vampires i read about than my own. and i'm scared.

of the unknown.

funny, how yesterday i kept remembering this weekend's message. you can't tell the future. you can only trust in god's plan and will for life, because his is way better than mine. and i believe that. i have to. it's the only way my life works. and now...it's just funny in the uncanny funny kind of funny...when you don't want to laugh, you want to cry. because you're scared. and you just wonder what the heck is going on and why everything is falling all around you.

i know we'll be ok. because i believe with everything within me that god's already got it worked out. i know i shouldn't be...but i'm so scared. so so scared.

please pray. i'll update with details when i can. (it's times like right now that i'm so thankful to be able to write all this down here...see, it's funny. god had it all worked out...)