stories in my mind

there was a moment today that caught me off guard and made me stop and ponder my life.

a little girl excitedly reading a part of her new "chapter book" she had written to her mom.

18 years ago...that little girl was me. so excited as i was still learning how to write, misspelling every other word...but excited nonetheless over the long chapter book i had written (that looking back on it now is only a few pages of notebook paper written on in big letters). stories of princesses, puppies and teeth. bound and illustrated. mysteries and love stories. my shelves are filled with notebooks overflowing with words scribbled in pencil and pen.

and here i am. 18 years later. sitting at a computer doing work that isn't very creative and certainly isn't those exciting stories of years ago. i'm no longer proudly running around saying...

"Like what I have written so far?"

"Just one lifetime won't be enough for us..."

Just one of the many wonderful quotes adorning my walls. this one is located right above our tv/entertainment center. how true. it makes me smile.

we've had five years together. five years. that's a long dang time. we've gone through so much. there are moments when those five years seem exceptionally long...filled with so many memories that the filing cabinets of my mind can't keep them all straight. there are other moments when those years seem to have whisked by so unbelievably fast.

we've grown up. in so many ways. and we're still kids. in so many ways. little kids, playing house for real. cooking, cleaning, playing, laughing, dreaming.

Dreaming...which reminds me...lately, i've been dreaming, wishing, hoping to be better. i'm not having a pity party or anything of the sort. i'm not depressed or anything like that (although sunny warmer weather would probably improve my mood...as would a different week of the month!) but yesterday as i was laying awake and trying to fall asleep, next to my amazing husband (so weird to say that)...all i could think was, "I wish I was better..." at everything. and like i said, not in a depressing way or a bad way. i just wish I was a better friend, a better wife, a better daughter, a better writer, a better reader, a better worker. I wish I was more motivated to do the things I love, and if I were more motivated, I'm sure I would then be a lot better at all those things. I wish I wasn't tired all the time. i wish i could work out and be in shape. i wish i was better with my mary kay business so that someday, i wouldn't have to work fulltime to support my family. I wish I had the time to be motivated to do those things that i love and want to be better at. I have a stack a mile high of books i would just love to curl up and read. books that would entertain, books to feed the soul, books to inspire, books to help me create, books to teach, and the finally the ultimate book--my bible to study, learn, be filled. i have a stack of empty journals i would love to fill with quiet ramblings of my life; fill with quotes from movies and books; i would love to fill them with stories that have run over in my mind. there's music i want to listen to, play on the piano, sing and maybe perform. there's plays and musicals i want to be in. i want to thrive again.

and maybe this is where i can start. maybe i'll be able to build up that motivation to do all those things i want to do so badly, be so badly. i wish i had some break to look forward to. to say...ok during this break, i am going to start getting better at x, y, and z. that is almost motivation enough to be a teacher (though i don't think i'd ever love it and i sure as heck would never wanna go back to school). the idea of a summer break, where there's no work looming. no force making get up and be stuck in a windowless world while it's beautiful and free outside. but sadly...i'm not a teacher, not will i ever be. so there is no big break coming up on the horizon. somehow i've gotta find a way to fit all the things i want to do and be into my crazy jammed packed life. and you know me, i'm organized, and if i can't do it...i'm at a loss. but i guess i'll hafta try. and maybe if i start, it'll just keep rolling. and i'll have exciting things in each day to look forward to. i don't know why i'm quite so thoughtful as of late...maybe it's because i feel like i'm starting this new chapter of life and i want to start it right. i sound so excited and hopeful right now...i hope i actually make good on these little inklings of vows to make my life better.

i've rambled enough so i'll leave you with one more quote...i know i'm a dork, but i'm ok with it. and if you're reading this, you love me anyway.

"extraordinary together...ordinary apart"

here i am. i have not died. just simply had a whirlwind of a month. and here i am on the other side of it all wondering where it all went. the wedding is over (a part of me is kinda sad...there no longer is some big event for me to coordinate and plan) the honeymoon is over (a big part of me is sad...there no longer is a glorious vacation to look forward to)

it's over. no more celebration. no more planning. no more vacation. that's the saddest part i think. i have nothing that i'm looking forward to anymore. no glimpse of freedom, where i'll just get to lay around and do nothing. i want to be back on the beach, the only thought of planning was figuring out what to eat and drink next.

the honeymoon is over. in every sense. no more beach. no more gifts. just back to work. back to our busy life schedules where we rarely see each other (at least i know we'll fall asleep together). on to laundry and trying to cook and trying to clean up. on to a life of busy-ness and watching the boy play video/computer games relentlessly. (maybe i shouldn't have been a cool wife and bought him games...oh well, too late now.)

don't get me wrong. life is wonderful. surreal kinda. i am deliriously happy with our life together. our apartment is cute (white, but cute!) i'm decorating with wall quote stickers...you know me and my quotes. only a few more things to settle, but it's pretty much home. our home. that's so weird to say. it's nice. to have a place of our own. where i know we'll both end up at at the end of our crazy days.

it's weird to be married. to have a different name. it's kinda not fair. a) the guys hafta do practically nothing to pull the whole wedding/reception event off, b) the guys really don't hafta do a whole lot in the moving process except lift the heavy things, and then lastly c) guys don't have to do any of the hassle of name changing. as a girl, you hafta change you license, change your social security card, change your address, change all my work stuff, change the email, phone message, everything. it's a lot.

so now everyone asks how married life is...it's great. but yeah...it's kinda surreal. to have a life of my own! laying in bed this morning, waking up next to my best friend...was weird to think i get to do this forever. it's surreal because you don't really feel a whole lot different...but at the same time, everything's different. i like it!

so yeah...we've been good. had ultimate birth control: riley spent the night saturday night. it was so much fun. i love that child like he is mine. we had the best time ever. nothing special. took him to see my little sister's musical and he was wonderful. came home and watched a movie with dan. went to sleep. woke up and watched tarzan and ate pancakes and he bawled when he had to go home. it felt bad to make him so sad, but good to know he loved us so much. i love him. that child brightens up my life and makes me happy.

and now, we're back in our busy life schedule...and i'm tired. so tired. it's back to the same answer when people ask how i am. i'm tired. drained and exhausted. and my work isn't that hard. why do i just find myself wiped out then? i wish i was back on the beach! maybe i just need something to look forward to...but what? all our big stuff happened in a few short weeks and i'm left with no motivation. all i wanna do is lay around our apartment doing things i wanna do, on my schedule, and just be with dan. sadly...my job does not allow this. so on i go. making money. praying dan will get a fulltime job making enough money so i don't have to work fulltime for much longer.

i know i'm just rambling and i'm sorry. maybe i'll go read or something now. i should start working out...maybe that would give me energy. but i can't find the motivation. i couldn't find the motivation when i was getting married and had a deadline...what's gonna get me off my butt now. someone want a workout partner? :)