"your life is happening now"

that's our Season 4 tagline for PM. pretty darn true. so often i look at life waiting anxiously for the next big thing that's coming up, or lately, looking back on all the great things that have already happened. and all the while...my life is happening right now.

take for example...this wedding thing i've got coming up :) i can't wait for it to be here. i can't wait to be mrs. jensen. i can't wait to have an apartment of my own to decorate with all the gifts we'll get. i can't wait to be on a beach in jamaica. i can't wait. and i know the planning is exciting...especially for detail oriented nerds like myself. but a part of me just wants to fast forward.

i know this is normal. for so many people. that's prob why they made the movie Click. but still...why do we do this? why do we think and feel this way so often. i know i've done this in the past. i couldn't wait to be out of RVC...my two years there are serious blurs to me, clearing up only when I was in shows. I absolutely couldn't wait to be done with RC...and those two years flew by so fast I couldn't believe it. and now...i've kinda been on auto-pilot/standstill with wedding plans for two months without even realizing it. and when i look at the days and count out the weeks...there's only 70 some days left and that's gonna fly because that's only 10 weeks!!!

why can't we just appreciate the things that God gives us day by day, instead of constantly looking and wishing for something better? maybe that'll be a "resolution" for this year. maybe that's what this blog can be useful for. reminding myself to look for the beauty and good in each day, instead of dwelling on the future or past and constantly wishing for "the days when i don't have to drive 30 minutes to work," and other such things. i know that there will be days when i will seriously miss those long commutes. deep down i know it. i will miss those drives belting out disney and broadway showtunes, i will miss those long phone calls to people i don't always get the chance to just sit and talk to, i will miss those long, much needed talks with my Father that always clear my head and put my mind in perspective, i will miss those sometimes needed cries where no one will bug me and i can just openly shed some tears and still be fine by the time i get home. so while i hate the waste of gas, lack of sleep, and driving in the snow--it is a blessing i will miss.

so this year, i will look for those little blessings in disguise that are in my days. and i will live my life to the fullest, like God wants for me, because my life is happening now. and so is yours. what are you doing with it?

"...I shall be your tears, your laughter, and your dreams..."

"That's not being a wife…It's to be everything your husband is and everything he loves. It's to be the humblest part of him and the noblest…I shall be your tears, your laughter, and your dreams."
--ondine, act 1

so this is what i'm getting myself into! but seriously...when you truly are in love and a part of someone's life like that...you really do feel what they feel and the like. dan and i had a rough week, not relationally but just situationaly. it wasn't fun. i'm glad the week has moved on and that this monday is not nearly as rough as last. but this week...we've shared the tears, and the laughs and the dreams of our future. and i'm glad.

glad that i have someone like that in my life. glad that i get to share my life with him. glad that i get to have a future with him.

as stressful and emotional as this week should have been, dan and i have had fun. my cousin tim came in to town for the weekend and that was a blast. dan and i left friday afternoon for o'hare and got to spend some time in the car and at the airport with tim. we then came home and played poker with my bro and mom til 2 am! ps...i totally won!! saturday we just relaxed and hung out that night. and sunday my whole family plus tim and dan went in to chicago to drop rob off at loyola and spend the day in the city. it was a blast.

i can't wait til dan and i can go on little day trips of our own...and better yet, get to go home together, not leave each other. i know, i'm impatient but 5 years! come on!

and now it's a new week. new ideas, goals, projects and dreams. we will pull through. we will succeed, with god at the helm who can go wrong! tomorrow morning starts up again with Becoming--yay for holding babies....not so yay for having to register them all and deal with their moms! i've been knitting like crazy! and i'm so excited by my projects. i am making a hooded scarf...kinda like my brown one but simpler (seeing as how i didn't make my brown one!) and i am also making these awesome "cleaves" i found online! i'm so excited and can't wait to be finished so i can start on something new! yeah...i'm a knitting nerd. but i'm okay with it.

i think i shall knit a bit before bed since this comp battery is almost dead. goodnight! and good luck facing the blizzard.

"Well in body but considerably rumpled in spirit."

that's me. (well actually it's Anne again, but meh...)

i was looking forward to '09. thought i had a lot going for me: good job, awesome mary kay with goals to earn a car soon, a wedding, a marriage.... sure that's still there. but so far...2009 kinda sucks.

i know i need to focus on the good things...because there are lots of them. but right now...i think i may just sulk in the "depths of despair" for a bit. i mean, everyone deserves a venting space, right? i just hate that when i look at my life and my ever fading ideas of what my future may hold...there aren't alot of my wants and desires left.

growing up, all i ever ever ever wanted to be was a writer, and be an actress and a singer on the side. all i write now is this blog and my facebook status...and a million work emails a day. where are all my stories? the faded notebooks and journals that were once passed around like gold from eager reader to eager reader. now, they sit, covered in cobwebs in boxes on my floor. no one reads them. most of them are left unfinished. and even the stories in my head...the ones i don't even have time to write...those are unfinished and not even good enough to start on. and the scariest and saddest part is...the ideas for my little stories come much fewer and farther between. acting and singing...oh how i miss it. what a high. what a rush. i love to memorize lines, write blocking, rush through a costume stage to burst back onstage into the light. i miss it. who knows when i'll get to do any of that again.

who has time to indulge in passions and desires when you have to work fulltime and you're too exhausted for anything else after that?

another dream of mine i've always held to...that seems so silly now...is to not have to work once i have children. to be able to write from home and not "work" in the 9 to 5 sense. honestly, at the rate my life is going right now there's no way this will ever come true. i can't depend on dan to take care of me, let alone a family. that scares me. more now than ever before. because before, he was just my boyfriend. now he's my jobless fiance. and i'm scared. scared that all my dreams are fading away.

i know it doesn't have to be that way. i can be the one to change it all. and i will. i hope. i know i can. by trusting and believing. and knowing there's something better out there for us in the bigger plans that i don't see yet. but at the same time...i know God doesn't want my passions and dreams fading...He put them in me.

maybe my rumpled little spirit can hold onto them for just a little longer...
maybe the new stress that 2009 brings will end up for the better...

...i hope. i'll hold on to my hope in 2009.

"this is such a jonah day..."

oh how i love Anne of Green Gables. I think I may just bust it out...although not counting Anne, I already have a huge stack of books to read. now i just need the time to read them!

today has been a jonah day for sure. lots of tears and tear induced headaches and exhaustion.

we'll be okay. it all will be okay. and i do really believe that. honest. sometimes you just have to let the tears and fear out and then move past it. it's okay to be scared and wonder what the heck God's up to. It's even okay to wrestle with God--like Jonah. As long as you're wrestling and embracing God. And I am...trying to at least...smiles. we'll be okay. I trust His plan much more than my own.

and knitting makes things better too! i love it. even in the midst of all the crap today, i just pulled out my knitting and then was able to let my mind drift to happier thoughts of knits and purls and soft yarns and pretty, fun, funky things I'm creating with my clumsy ripped up little fingers and rusty wrists. think i'll go work on that now...a perfect happy end to a Jonah day...

unknown

i'm scared. i'm shaking and so cold, but sweating. i'm starving but the thought of food makes me nauseous. my eyes are burning and dry but i can't stop the tears from welling up. my bloodshot eyes look more like the eyes of the vampires i read about than my own. and i'm scared.

of the unknown.

funny, how yesterday i kept remembering this weekend's message. you can't tell the future. you can only trust in god's plan and will for life, because his is way better than mine. and i believe that. i have to. it's the only way my life works. and now...it's just funny in the uncanny funny kind of funny...when you don't want to laugh, you want to cry. because you're scared. and you just wonder what the heck is going on and why everything is falling all around you.

i know we'll be ok. because i believe with everything within me that god's already got it worked out. i know i shouldn't be...but i'm so scared. so so scared.

please pray. i'll update with details when i can. (it's times like right now that i'm so thankful to be able to write all this down here...see, it's funny. god had it all worked out...)

"...Now that I love you, two steps away from you, my lonliness begins."

-Ondine

I love that play. It's probably not healthy. That or it says something about me...that the stories I love so much are tragic love stories. Someone always dies or something along those lines. Maybe I am a freak...a tragically, hopelessly romantic freak.

Does the winter and cold do this to anyone else? Or is it just me? All I ever want to do is curl up with a book and a steaming mug in front of a fire...and the book must be some sort of romance; or curl up under a blanket with a ball of yarn and my knitting sitting in front of a good movie...preferably something tear-jerking or a romantic comedy. And the thing I want most of all is to have the man I love by my side.

I long for the days when we can spend lazy Saturdays and Sundays together doing nothing and just savoring the days. I long for when we can watch a movie and one of us doesn't have to leave to drive home in the cold. Reading Manda's blog made me want that even more. I know there's only 3 months left. And trust me, I know that there is A LOT to do in those few remaining weeks. I know that they will fly past me, but I'm still impatient and I can't wait.

Maybe the other reason I long for those kind of days, is because I get them so rarely. I feel like there are so many things that I'm juggling. I love them all but there are so many balls up in the air: my Mary Kay, the wedding, KidCare, H:PM, the family, Dan, friends. And there's so many aspects to all of those items. And just when I feel like I've got everything down pat, into a good swing of things, one of the balls bursts into pieces and I have to keep all the new pieces in the air too! I just always feel so busy, and so tired. It never stops, does it? Ah well...

This week at church was such a good reminder. You can't control the future. For so long in my life that's what I've tried to do. Keep my juggling act alive, trying desparately to hold onto my version of my path and my future. And what happened? It all came tumbling down. I was so sick of hearing people tell me God was "guiding their lives and choices" that I struck out on my own. And got no where. Just kept trying to hard to do it all on my own. It wasn't until about 2 years ago...wow doesn't feel that long ago...that I finally got that I couldn't do it. The only way to live the life we were created for is to let go...and trust. Trust God's will.

Granted, I'm not real good at that. It's a daily challenge to let go and let God lead...as corny as that may sound. But I'm being serious. I would not be where I am without Him. As crazy as my life gets now, I still have some sort of peace. I know my relationships would all fall to pieces if I didn't keep Him at the center. Dan and I tried that too...and we did fall apart. Our relationship is so much better and stronger now that He is at the center. And even though I don't really know where I'm going, I know I'll get there with Him leading.

Maybe someday I won't have to work a million hours a week and run around like crazy all the time. Someday I might be able to sit at home and just write my heart out and have my amazing husband at my side. I'm trusting that with my heart seeking after His...I'll be ok. And I'm really glad I don't have to handle it all anymore. Lets me breathe a little easier.

I'm sure this has gone all over the place...I feel like it's not very put together, but I just let my fingers go and this is what spewed out. That's me I guess...

"Tomorrow is always fresh, there are no mistakes in it..."

That's from "Anne of Green Gables." Just a note of forewarning...you'll more than likely see a lot of quotes here. I can't help it. It's a hobby, a love, an obsession of sorts. I adore finding quotes and holding onto them. I collect them from all over...tv shows, movies, plays, books, songs, anything really.

I chose this quote for today because it is so true, especially starting out in a new year. There are so many new days, new tomorrows, waiting for the taking. So here I am.

As luck and boredom would have it, at work today I stumbled across some old journals and blogs I used to keep vigorously--sometimes just little notes, sometimes heartfelt books. And I remembered just how much I love to write. And just how much I miss it, and ache for it in a part of my soul I sometimes forget is there. That is sad...and rather ridiculous. I'm 22. Why am I pushing my dreams so far off to the side already? Why am I making sacrifices that I don't need to or have to make yet?

I can still write. Even if it's just little blogs here and there that no one reads. Although, any writer who's a writer longs and desires to write and be read. I'm not gonna lie to you there.

So here I am. I remembered my love and longing to pour out my mind and refreshed an old blogger site. Facebook just didn't seem like the right place. I can't promise intrigue, or even anything interesting. Just my life and thoughts and all of my quotes.

I'm 22 and heading into a brand new year. 2009. Can you believe it? Time really does fly by so fast. There is soo much planned for this year. I'm getting married. Now that's surreal. By this time next year, I will be married. To my best friend. What more could a girl ask for?

So I come to this little blog to write, to keep me sane, to remember.
...even if no one else reads it.