Tuesday, January 5, 2010

"I like to move it, move it!"

hehehe...thought of my Riley, he likes to sing that song!

I think most people know already but I'm moving! my blog, that is. you can now find me at http://writergirl5786.wordpress.com/

i love wordpress, ps. it's got a great interface and more control. plus it has a blackberry app, and if you know me, you know i love my phone! i know i'm a dork.

so please, read me over there. i really want to write a lot more this year and it'd be nice to know that people are actually reading me :)

i also started a blog just for my fictional writings/stories: http://memoirsfromagirl.wordpress.com/
(get it, memoirs *from* a girl...they are stories from me :) ) so my goal is to be writing a lot more stuff this year.

so i love you all...please subscribe, read, comment, let me know i'm not alone in the wordpress world! (oh and the best part about the wordpress is that I was able to port this whole blog, comments and all, over to wordpress, so none of this will be lost!!) see you there!

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

"it's gonna be happy new year..."

the year in retrospect..

1. what did you do this past year that you'd never done before?
a. went to a drag show for my friend bachelorette party (jan)
b. was a bridesmaid in a friend's wedding (march)
c. got our own apartment (march)
d. GOT MARRIED!! and went on my honeymoon to Jamaica (april)
e. got kitty #1 Cricket (may)
f. went to MK Seminar for 5 days and packed everything in a carry on--including two ball gowns! (july)
g. got pregnant (august)
h. got kitty #2 Apollo (august)
i. had a miscarriage (september)
j. went to a chiropractor and loved it...now if only my insurance would cover it so i could go back! (oct)
k. had gall bladder attacks and ended up in the ER--FIRST TIME IN A HOSPITAL! (november)
l. Have Surgery on new year's eve to have my gall bladder removed! (december)

2. did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
well last year i said, "i want to get in shape and tone up before our wedding in april. and i really wanna focus on making our first year of marriage awesome"

I did not really get in shape or tone up...I would still really like to do that!
And as for making our first year of marriage awesome...there's no real way to make that happen. it's been good...we've had ups and downs. but let me just say...first year of marriage is definitely not easy and we've definitely been thrown some major curveballs, but we will always come out holding on to God and each other.

So for next year: i want to get in same--do some sort of exercising; i will earn my car and become a director in 2010 (imagine the hero within!); i would like to invest some time in developing my self--taking time out to grow, read, write and develop my relationship with God as that will help feed my relationship with Dan.

3. did anyone close to you give birth?
Dan's cousin Erin--Grant
Erin Brady--Imogen

4. did anyone close to you die?
we lost our baby. the first real time i've ever experienced grief. it's not an easy thing losing your baby, no matter how long or short they have been in your life.
Dan's great grandma Nana died right before Thanksgiving. She lived a beautiful long life of 94 years.

5. what countries did you visit?
Jamaica for our honeymoon!

6. what would you like to have this year that you lacked last year?
a. an idea of what God's plan for my life is :) (i think this will always remain)
b. we always wanted to wait, but now a part of me really wants a baby!
c. a Mary Kay car!! (hot malibu 2010)
d. more money :) hehe

7. what date from this year will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
a. april 3---our wedding (and everything that week, as well as our honeymoon)
b. august 3 and august 19--finding out we were pregnant
c. september 24 and 27--not hearing the heartbeat and miscarrying our baby

8. what was your biggest achievement of the year?
a. getting married!
b. getting two kitties!
c. living on my own for 9 months now--being able to take care of me and dan, cook/clean/pay bills

9. what was your biggest failure?
i don't think either of these are failures at all...but disappointments...
a. losing the baby
b. not finishing my car

10. did you suffer illness or injury?
yes, my stupid gall bladder has been causing major issues and attacks since june! and now finally I will be rid of it!

11. what was the best thing you bought?
a. my wedding :) (thanks family!)
b. my honeymoon :)
c. my kitties (adopted...not bought!)
d. our apartment
e. my new blackberry (and got Dan one too!)

12. whose behavior merited celebration?
a. dan...for being an awesome husband who stands by me no matter how weird or crazy I am and sticks by my side through the valleys and the mountain tops
b. theresa...for being such a good friend--with me through the trials and troubles and exciting wonderful times. and for being an amazing matron of honor who helped tremendously with my wedding, and now with my marriage! i don't think i could do this without you!
c. alisha nicole...my wonderful best friend and cousin! i seriously do not know where i would be without you! you are always there for me and always make my heart smile! she was a fabulous maid of honor and i can't wait to do the same for her!
d. Riley...my little man. he's growing up so fast! 3.5 and gonna be a big brother! he honestly, makes my days brighter when no one else can!
e. our families...each and every member. Amy and Kevin and Ryan and Amanda. Mom and Dad and Rob, whit and erinn. You are all loved so much. Each one of you is treasured by me. you guys have gotten us through this crazy year.
f. my momma...for being awesome and helping with my wedding, for being there whenever i need her, for making me food because I can't cook, for letting go but still always being there when i call. i love you momma.

13. whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
a. my own :) but everyone has those hormonal moments!

14. where did most of your money go?
wedding, and now rent, bills and the cost of living on our own, plus paying off school loans now! whoopee!

15. what did you get really, really, really excited about?
b. RILEY! :) watching him grow up so much!
c. having a baby
d. getting an apartment to decorate on my own (but now i have to clean it and it's not that exciting)
e. ali getting engaged!!!

16. what song will always remind you of this year:
a. the songs from our wedding (if you want a cd let me know! we still have plenty!)
b. breathe
c. when the tears fall
d. i gotta feeling

17. compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder?
there's so many levels to a girl's emotions :)
right now...i'm happy. happy to be married. to have a little family of my own and a place to live. happy we both have fulltime jobs. and still there are moments where i am sad...especially this time of year. and i try not to dwell on those sad moments...but last year, i had never experienced grief. now i have. and you grow from that. and there may always be sad moments, but you tuck them away and keep moving and trusting. and God will hold me when the tears fall and i will continually praise Him.

18. thinner or fatter?
fatter. gained 5 pounds in 2 months of pregnancy...and those have not disappeared sadly!

19. richer or poorer?
poorer, but rich in love. that's cheesy. living on your own...costs a lot. just keep that in mind!

20. what do you wish you'd done more of?
a. acting/singing!! i miss both soo much. it's been ages since i've been involved in theatre or music and i miss it so very much.
b. writing stories and personal writings

21. what do you wish you'd done less of?
a. stressing (about money, jobs, family, life)
b. i definitely wish i would have had WAY less dr's appointments! i've spent so much time this year in dr's offices...uck!

22. how will you be spending your birthday?
i'll be 24...and honestly, I have no clue!

23. how will you be spending the holidays?
a. v-day with dan since it's his bday and all :) and it's a sunday night so we'll have PM i'm sure
b. everything else with the families...juggling all the families and trying to see everyone!

24. did you fall in love this past year?
fell more in love than ever...and got married! (and i fell in love with my kitties!)

25. how many one-night stands?

26. what was your favorite TV program?
grey's, the office, america's next top model, survivor, amazing race, lost, heroes, flash forward, GLEE!, community, been watching murder she wrote on our netflix! (i think i may watch too much tv!)

27. do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
i try not to hate anyone :)

28. what was the best book you read?
a. my sister's keeper
b. time traveller's wife again...one of the favs
c. quite a few of Jodi Picoults and Nicholas Sparks'
d. remix: solo (great devotional book)

29. what was your greatest musical discovery?
a. tim hughes
b. the music from anastasia...just watched it and love it! and of course, disney and musical music
c. perfect paradigm/the poets dance
d. honestly, the best musical discovery is Pandora! I use it like crazy and it opens up my music world all the time!

30. what did you want and get?
a. a beautiful and wonderful wedding and honeymoon
b. kitties!
c. an apartment
d. for dan to get a fulltime job

31. what did you want and not get?
a. a baby
b. mary kay car

32. what was your favorite film of this year?
a. Harry Potter 6
b. rewatched Anne of Green Gables...rekindled that love
c. really enjoyed Pheobe in Wonderland
d. time traveller's wife (enjoyed it...had to recognize it would not be as good as the book tho)

33. what did you do on your last birthday, and how old were you?
turned 23...we had dinner at my parent's house and went to Hononegah's choir concert to see my sister. That weekend was A Night To Remember-a dance that Heartland does for the special needs students around the area-so I was there for a lot of the evening and Riley came and spent the night. It was a fun weekend. Plus, we had just gotten Cricket the week before! fun times!

34. how would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?
well I got married, so I had to grow up a bit! just kidding. I did dress up more this year tho. Always gotta look good as an MK consultant! :) boots and heels and dresses and skirts, and never fear--lots of leggings! :)

35. what kept you sane?
a. knowing that no matter how conflicting our schedules are, dan and i always end up in the same place
b. my baby--Riley! having him sleepover or just getting to hang out with him always brightens my life
c. watching my tv shows (on the computer because there is no DVR at our poor house!)
d. knitting (lots and lots of knitting...it started in september and may never end!)
e. long drives, with music and talks with my Father (always)
f. escaping to rock cut
g. my kitties
h. talking with theresa and ali when life gets crazy--thanks both of you for always putting up with me and letting me vent about anything and everything

36. which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
boys: patrick dempsey, john krasinski, clive owen
girls: katherine heigl, rachel mcadams, amy adams and always, julia roberts

37. what political issue stirred you the most?
the "war" in iraq/afghanistan, now that i have a dear friend over there

38. who was the best new person you met?
a. my tiny baby angel who I never got to hold in my arms but will always hold in my heart
b. cricket and apollo (i know they are kitties, but i love them)
c. having sarah bankord and janine in the cubicles next to me (and steph down the hall) has made life and work very enjoyable!
d. we haven't really met a whole lot of new peoples this year, but we have loved learning more about the friends we already have and love lots!

39. tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009:
God is always there. When you think He might not be because you can't hear Him or don't feel Him, He is there. His arms will hold and protect. He wipes away every tear and lets you sob into His arms. He understands our pain. That's part of why He came here in the first place--so that we would *know* that He knows and understands hurts and pain and love and life. The song, "when the tears fall" by Tim Hughes has gotten me through these past few months and if you haven't heard it, I recommend it. It is the most valuable lesson I have learned, "When the tears fall, still I will praise You."

40. quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
well I think I just answered that :)

Friday, December 18, 2009

christmastime is here

ok i know that last blog was kind of a downer...had to let it out somewhere.

i truly am glad that christmastime is here. i love this time of year. i love the decorations. the gift giving. the good cheer. the family everywhere. and the meaning behind it all.

this christmas has been fun but my little fingers are killing me. we have decided to make a majority of our gifts that we are giving. i am so proud of all the knitting that i have done. so many of my creations i wish i could keep for myself--so i take that as proof that they are good enough to give away as gifts. (hopefully everyone else is cool with it too!)

it's our first Christmas as a married couple. i'm still a little peeved that we don't get to spend a lot of it together. Dan has to work 3-12 on Christmas eve and Christmas day. but we'll celebrate together christmas morning. i cannot wait to open presents and share in this moment. us and our little kitties--our little family!

speaking of my kitties...i love them. as long as they aren't tearing apart our apartment. sighs. our apartment. that i hate cleaning. i do not like to tidy. and i hate dishes. but what i hate more is coming home to a cluttered messy apartment. that's what i'll do tomorrow...clean. uck.

and then there's the mysteries of the body. seriously people...the human body is crazy. if you don't believe in God...just look at all the intricacies of the human body. blows my mind. some days i think my body hates me. maybe it's just my gall bladder. i hope that's it. because i'm having the first surgery of my life on dec 31! sending out 2009 in style! but seriously...i'm doing this dr crap and surgery crap and it's all gonna be over this year. i do not want to spend as much of 2010 in dr's offices as i have the past 6 months. so i declare all of my health issues to be over ending with the end of 2009.

so that's me i guess....as 2009 comes to a close...it's been a crazy year...but i guess that's enough for now. thanks for reading folks...

"breath of heaven, hold me together"

because i can't hold myself together...

there are days when it's very hard. there are moments when i stare at my belly wishing I couldn't fit into my pants anymore. i lay in bed wishing i was gaining weight. i close my eyes and i see just how beautiful she would've been. we would've known for sure by now if it was a boy or girl and i know i would've been right. my baby would've been beautiful and perfect and that catches in my throat. i should be carrying a tiny little person. knitting little sweaters and hats. preparing for a life that is no longer here.

i should be fine. i should be better at acting fine.

and there are days when i totally am. days when i don't cry. but lately...it's hard. holidays are harder when you've lost someone, huh? i've never had to deal with grief before. and i know there will only be more grief as the years go on.

but it was my baby. and i know it was probably better. i know it was God's plan. and His is always best. I know that there was a reason; that there was probably something wrong. i know that it's probably better that i lost the baby at 9 nine weeks rather than 19 or 29.

but still...the baby's gone. and i'm here alone. and i've got to keep moving forward and trusting.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

"you'll be the song in my heart"

"when the tears fall" by tim hughes

this song has been my anthem this month...and there's a lot of people i would highly recommend this song to...because who hasn't had a tear fall? who hasn't had a question? (that's the alternate title...i've had questions) so check out these lyrics...and listen to the song...it moves me to tears and always moves me to Him...my abba daddy holding me...

"I've had questions without answers
I've known sorrow, I have known pain
But there's one thing that I cling to
You are faithful, Jesus You're true

When hope is lost
I call You Saviour
When pain surrounds
I call You Healer
When silence falls
You'll be the song within my heart

In the lone hour of my sorrow
Through the darkest night of my soul
You surround me, You sustain me
My defender for ever more

When hope is lost
I call You Saviour
When pain surrounds
I call You Healer
When silence falls
You'll be the song within my heart

And I will praise You
I will Praise You
When the tears fall
Still I will sing to You
I will praise You
Jesus praise You
Through the suffering
Still I will sing to You

When hope is lost
I call You Saviour
When pain surrounds
I call You Healer
When silence falls
You'll be the song within my heart

I will praise You
I will praise You
When the tears fall
Still I will sing to you
I will praise You
Jesus I will praise You
Through the suffering
Still I will sing to you

When the laughter fails to comfort
When my heart aches, Lord You'll be there
When confusion is all around me
And the darkness is my closest friend
Still I'll praise You
Jesus praise You "

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

"isn't it ironic...don'tcha think?"

here's the ironic part, stick with the story, i gotta build up to it...

Summer 2007...i got this idea for a story and started doing some research and writing it. the thing is...i normally write stories about the things i know maybe including some sort of illness that i don't deal with on a regular basis...you know something to make life interesting! :) so i started writing this story that was totally something that was from my imagination and no part of it was really a fanciful version of my life...total fiction. well summer 2007 was 2 years ago. this story basically got shelved like the rest of my started works. it never got past like page 5. but ive always kept it on my laptop.

May 2009...that post where "creative juices started flowing..." member? i came back to that story and added some more to it. it was about a married couple. the original idea totally came from a dream (and not a dream where Dan and I were married, that's for sure. marriage was not really on my mind summer 07). so now (may 09) i had slight marriage knowledge so i was adding to the story. story once again got pushed aside for loss of ideas and business.

October 2009...going through my laptop and the story comes up. ironic part i never told you. story is about a married couple going trying to live life after a miscarriage. ..... that's right. ironic? i think so. either i was prophesying way back in 07 or i just spoke something into existence, which kinda sucks. because back then, i knew nothing about married life and i knew nothing about what a miscarriage felt like. now i do. maybe i'll start some more work on this one. maybe this one is supposed to be the book i actually finish.

maybe this one i'll carry to term, actually complete, and give birth to a best seller.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

"wishing you were somehow here again..."

that song just popped in to my head...from phantom of the opera. quite appropriate i guess.

realized yesterday that i would've finished my first trimester...made me sad. soaked in a tub last night and just looked at my tummy knowing there was no longer a little baby, a little heartbeat inside. right now, i should have a little belly starting to show...and i don't. i should be a third of the way through my pregnancy, instead i'm sitting here with nothing.

i know there will be moments...i have them.

maybe it just hit me because this past week was rough! not emotionally...that was 2 weeks ago. this week was busy, stressful, frustrating...because of my J.O.B. but my mary kay business is taking off. like popcorn, jamie says. it's all gonna happen this month. i am finishing my car and will be a director before the year is over. and i was given this urgency and ultimate motivation because of my little blueberry baby. and now, my baby's gone...but i still want to finish these goals. finish strong. to show my little baby up in heaven that its momma is a survivor, a fighter, a super woman!

i wanted to be pregnant with my best friend. and we almost were. i'm so excited for her. but today...my heart is sad, knowing our babies would've only been 6 weeks apart.