the year in retrospect..
1. what did you do this past year that you'd never done before?
a. went to a drag show for my friend bachelorette party (jan)
b. was a bridesmaid in a friend's wedding (march)
c. got our own apartment (march)
d. GOT MARRIED!! and went on my honeymoon to Jamaica (april)
e. got kitty #1 Cricket (may)
f. went to MK Seminar for 5 days and packed everything in a carry on--including two ball gowns! (july)
g. got pregnant (august)
h. got kitty #2 Apollo (august)
i. had a miscarriage (september)
j. went to a chiropractor and loved it...now if only my insurance would cover it so i could go back! (oct)
k. had gall bladder attacks and ended up in the ER--FIRST TIME IN A HOSPITAL! (november)
l. Have Surgery on new year's eve to have my gall bladder removed! (december)
2. did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
well last year i said, "i want to get in shape and tone up before our wedding in april. and i really wanna focus on making our first year of marriage awesome"
I did not really get in shape or tone up...I would still really like to do that!
And as for making our first year of marriage awesome...there's no real way to make that happen. it's been good...we've had ups and downs. but let me just say...first year of marriage is definitely not easy and we've definitely been thrown some major curveballs, but we will always come out holding on to God and each other.
So for next year: i want to get in same--do some sort of exercising; i will earn my car and become a director in 2010 (imagine the hero within!); i would like to invest some time in developing my self--taking time out to grow, read, write and develop my relationship with God as that will help feed my relationship with Dan.
3. did anyone close to you give birth?
Teesa--Talia
Dan's cousin Erin--Grant
Erin Brady--Imogen
4. did anyone close to you die?
we lost our baby. the first real time i've ever experienced grief. it's not an easy thing losing your baby, no matter how long or short they have been in your life.
Dan's great grandma Nana died right before Thanksgiving. She lived a beautiful long life of 94 years.
5. what countries did you visit?
Jamaica for our honeymoon!
6. what would you like to have this year that you lacked last year?
a. an idea of what God's plan for my life is :) (i think this will always remain)
b. we always wanted to wait, but now a part of me really wants a baby!
c. a Mary Kay car!! (hot malibu 2010)
d. more money :) hehe
7. what date from this year will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
a. april 3---our wedding (and everything that week, as well as our honeymoon)
b. august 3 and august 19--finding out we were pregnant
c. september 24 and 27--not hearing the heartbeat and miscarrying our baby
8. what was your biggest achievement of the year?
a. getting married!
b. getting two kitties!
c. living on my own for 9 months now--being able to take care of me and dan, cook/clean/pay bills
9. what was your biggest failure?
i don't think either of these are failures at all...but disappointments...
a. losing the baby
b. not finishing my car
10. did you suffer illness or injury?
yes, my stupid gall bladder has been causing major issues and attacks since june! and now finally I will be rid of it!
11. what was the best thing you bought?
a. my wedding :) (thanks family!)
b. my honeymoon :)
c. my kitties (adopted...not bought!)
d. our apartment
e. my new blackberry (and got Dan one too!)
12. whose behavior merited celebration?
a. dan...for being an awesome husband who stands by me no matter how weird or crazy I am and sticks by my side through the valleys and the mountain tops
b. theresa...for being such a good friend--with me through the trials and troubles and exciting wonderful times. and for being an amazing matron of honor who helped tremendously with my wedding, and now with my marriage! i don't think i could do this without you!
c. alisha nicole...my wonderful best friend and cousin! i seriously do not know where i would be without you! you are always there for me and always make my heart smile! she was a fabulous maid of honor and i can't wait to do the same for her!
d. Riley...my little man. he's growing up so fast! 3.5 and gonna be a big brother! he honestly, makes my days brighter when no one else can!
e. our families...each and every member. Amy and Kevin and Ryan and Amanda. Mom and Dad and Rob, whit and erinn. You are all loved so much. Each one of you is treasured by me. you guys have gotten us through this crazy year.
f. my momma...for being awesome and helping with my wedding, for being there whenever i need her, for making me food because I can't cook, for letting go but still always being there when i call. i love you momma.
13. whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
a. my own :) but everyone has those hormonal moments!
14. where did most of your money go?
wedding, and now rent, bills and the cost of living on our own, plus paying off school loans now! whoopee!
15. what did you get really, really, really excited about?
a. GETTING MARRIED!! AND GOING ON OUR HONEYMOON!!
b. RILEY! :) watching him grow up so much!
c. having a baby
d. getting an apartment to decorate on my own (but now i have to clean it and it's not that exciting)
e. ali getting engaged!!!
16. what song will always remind you of this year:
a. the songs from our wedding (if you want a cd let me know! we still have plenty!)
b. breathe
c. when the tears fall
d. i gotta feeling
17. compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder?
there's so many levels to a girl's emotions :)
right now...i'm happy. happy to be married. to have a little family of my own and a place to live. happy we both have fulltime jobs. and still there are moments where i am sad...especially this time of year. and i try not to dwell on those sad moments...but last year, i had never experienced grief. now i have. and you grow from that. and there may always be sad moments, but you tuck them away and keep moving and trusting. and God will hold me when the tears fall and i will continually praise Him.
18. thinner or fatter?
fatter. gained 5 pounds in 2 months of pregnancy...and those have not disappeared sadly!
19. richer or poorer?
poorer, but rich in love. that's cheesy. living on your own...costs a lot. just keep that in mind!
20. what do you wish you'd done more of?
a. acting/singing!! i miss both soo much. it's been ages since i've been involved in theatre or music and i miss it so very much.
b. writing stories and personal writings
21. what do you wish you'd done less of?
a. stressing (about money, jobs, family, life)
b. i definitely wish i would have had WAY less dr's appointments! i've spent so much time this year in dr's offices...uck!
22. how will you be spending your birthday?
i'll be 24...and honestly, I have no clue!
23. how will you be spending the holidays?
a. v-day with dan since it's his bday and all :) and it's a sunday night so we'll have PM i'm sure
b. everything else with the families...juggling all the families and trying to see everyone!
24. did you fall in love this past year?
fell more in love than ever...and got married! (and i fell in love with my kitties!)
25. how many one-night stands?
zippo
26. what was your favorite TV program?
grey's, the office, america's next top model, survivor, amazing race, lost, heroes, flash forward, GLEE!, community, been watching murder she wrote on our netflix! (i think i may watch too much tv!)
27. do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
i try not to hate anyone :)
28. what was the best book you read?
a. my sister's keeper
b. time traveller's wife again...one of the favs
c. quite a few of Jodi Picoults and Nicholas Sparks'
d. remix: solo (great devotional book)
29. what was your greatest musical discovery?
a. tim hughes
b. the music from anastasia...just watched it and love it! and of course, disney and musical music
c. perfect paradigm/the poets dance
d. honestly, the best musical discovery is Pandora! I use it like crazy and it opens up my music world all the time!
30. what did you want and get?
a. a beautiful and wonderful wedding and honeymoon
b. kitties!
c. an apartment
d. for dan to get a fulltime job
31. what did you want and not get?
a. a baby
b. mary kay car
32. what was your favorite film of this year?
a. Harry Potter 6
b. rewatched Anne of Green Gables...rekindled that love
c. really enjoyed Pheobe in Wonderland
d. time traveller's wife (enjoyed it...had to recognize it would not be as good as the book tho)
33. what did you do on your last birthday, and how old were you?
turned 23...we had dinner at my parent's house and went to Hononegah's choir concert to see my sister. That weekend was A Night To Remember-a dance that Heartland does for the special needs students around the area-so I was there for a lot of the evening and Riley came and spent the night. It was a fun weekend. Plus, we had just gotten Cricket the week before! fun times!
34. how would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?
well I got married, so I had to grow up a bit! just kidding. I did dress up more this year tho. Always gotta look good as an MK consultant! :) boots and heels and dresses and skirts, and never fear--lots of leggings! :)
35. what kept you sane?
a. knowing that no matter how conflicting our schedules are, dan and i always end up in the same place
b. my baby--Riley! having him sleepover or just getting to hang out with him always brightens my life
c. watching my tv shows (on the computer because there is no DVR at our poor house!)
d. knitting (lots and lots of knitting...it started in september and may never end!)
e. long drives, with music and talks with my Father (always)
f. escaping to rock cut
g. my kitties
h. talking with theresa and ali when life gets crazy--thanks both of you for always putting up with me and letting me vent about anything and everything
36. which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
boys: patrick dempsey, john krasinski, clive owen
girls: katherine heigl, rachel mcadams, amy adams and always, julia roberts
37. what political issue stirred you the most?
the "war" in iraq/afghanistan, now that i have a dear friend over there
38. who was the best new person you met?
a. my tiny baby angel who I never got to hold in my arms but will always hold in my heart
b. cricket and apollo (i know they are kitties, but i love them)
c. having sarah bankord and janine in the cubicles next to me (and steph down the hall) has made life and work very enjoyable!
d. we haven't really met a whole lot of new peoples this year, but we have loved learning more about the friends we already have and love lots!
39. tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009:
God is always there. When you think He might not be because you can't hear Him or don't feel Him, He is there. His arms will hold and protect. He wipes away every tear and lets you sob into His arms. He understands our pain. That's part of why He came here in the first place--so that we would *know* that He knows and understands hurts and pain and love and life. The song, "when the tears fall" by Tim Hughes has gotten me through these past few months and if you haven't heard it, I recommend it. It is the most valuable lesson I have learned, "When the tears fall, still I will praise You."
40. quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
well I think I just answered that :)
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Friday, December 18, 2009
christmastime is here
ok i know that last blog was kind of a downer...had to let it out somewhere.
i truly am glad that christmastime is here. i love this time of year. i love the decorations. the gift giving. the good cheer. the family everywhere. and the meaning behind it all.
this christmas has been fun but my little fingers are killing me. we have decided to make a majority of our gifts that we are giving. i am so proud of all the knitting that i have done. so many of my creations i wish i could keep for myself--so i take that as proof that they are good enough to give away as gifts. (hopefully everyone else is cool with it too!)
it's our first Christmas as a married couple. i'm still a little peeved that we don't get to spend a lot of it together. Dan has to work 3-12 on Christmas eve and Christmas day. but we'll celebrate together christmas morning. i cannot wait to open presents and share in this moment. us and our little kitties--our little family!
speaking of my kitties...i love them. as long as they aren't tearing apart our apartment. sighs. our apartment. that i hate cleaning. i do not like to tidy. and i hate dishes. but what i hate more is coming home to a cluttered messy apartment. that's what i'll do tomorrow...clean. uck.
and then there's the mysteries of the body. seriously people...the human body is crazy. if you don't believe in God...just look at all the intricacies of the human body. blows my mind. some days i think my body hates me. maybe it's just my gall bladder. i hope that's it. because i'm having the first surgery of my life on dec 31! sending out 2009 in style! but seriously...i'm doing this dr crap and surgery crap and it's all gonna be over this year. i do not want to spend as much of 2010 in dr's offices as i have the past 6 months. so i declare all of my health issues to be over ending with the end of 2009.
so that's me i guess....as 2009 comes to a close...it's been a crazy year...but i guess that's enough for now. thanks for reading folks...
i truly am glad that christmastime is here. i love this time of year. i love the decorations. the gift giving. the good cheer. the family everywhere. and the meaning behind it all.
this christmas has been fun but my little fingers are killing me. we have decided to make a majority of our gifts that we are giving. i am so proud of all the knitting that i have done. so many of my creations i wish i could keep for myself--so i take that as proof that they are good enough to give away as gifts. (hopefully everyone else is cool with it too!)
it's our first Christmas as a married couple. i'm still a little peeved that we don't get to spend a lot of it together. Dan has to work 3-12 on Christmas eve and Christmas day. but we'll celebrate together christmas morning. i cannot wait to open presents and share in this moment. us and our little kitties--our little family!
speaking of my kitties...i love them. as long as they aren't tearing apart our apartment. sighs. our apartment. that i hate cleaning. i do not like to tidy. and i hate dishes. but what i hate more is coming home to a cluttered messy apartment. that's what i'll do tomorrow...clean. uck.
and then there's the mysteries of the body. seriously people...the human body is crazy. if you don't believe in God...just look at all the intricacies of the human body. blows my mind. some days i think my body hates me. maybe it's just my gall bladder. i hope that's it. because i'm having the first surgery of my life on dec 31! sending out 2009 in style! but seriously...i'm doing this dr crap and surgery crap and it's all gonna be over this year. i do not want to spend as much of 2010 in dr's offices as i have the past 6 months. so i declare all of my health issues to be over ending with the end of 2009.
so that's me i guess....as 2009 comes to a close...it's been a crazy year...but i guess that's enough for now. thanks for reading folks...
"breath of heaven, hold me together"
because i can't hold myself together...
there are days when it's very hard. there are moments when i stare at my belly wishing I couldn't fit into my pants anymore. i lay in bed wishing i was gaining weight. i close my eyes and i see just how beautiful she would've been. we would've known for sure by now if it was a boy or girl and i know i would've been right. my baby would've been beautiful and perfect and that catches in my throat. i should be carrying a tiny little person. knitting little sweaters and hats. preparing for a life that is no longer here.
i should be fine. i should be better at acting fine.
and there are days when i totally am. days when i don't cry. but lately...it's hard. holidays are harder when you've lost someone, huh? i've never had to deal with grief before. and i know there will only be more grief as the years go on.
but it was my baby. and i know it was probably better. i know it was God's plan. and His is always best. I know that there was a reason; that there was probably something wrong. i know that it's probably better that i lost the baby at 9 nine weeks rather than 19 or 29.
but still...the baby's gone. and i'm here alone. and i've got to keep moving forward and trusting.
there are days when it's very hard. there are moments when i stare at my belly wishing I couldn't fit into my pants anymore. i lay in bed wishing i was gaining weight. i close my eyes and i see just how beautiful she would've been. we would've known for sure by now if it was a boy or girl and i know i would've been right. my baby would've been beautiful and perfect and that catches in my throat. i should be carrying a tiny little person. knitting little sweaters and hats. preparing for a life that is no longer here.
i should be fine. i should be better at acting fine.
and there are days when i totally am. days when i don't cry. but lately...it's hard. holidays are harder when you've lost someone, huh? i've never had to deal with grief before. and i know there will only be more grief as the years go on.
but it was my baby. and i know it was probably better. i know it was God's plan. and His is always best. I know that there was a reason; that there was probably something wrong. i know that it's probably better that i lost the baby at 9 nine weeks rather than 19 or 29.
but still...the baby's gone. and i'm here alone. and i've got to keep moving forward and trusting.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
"you'll be the song in my heart"
"when the tears fall" by tim hughes
this song has been my anthem this month...and there's a lot of people i would highly recommend this song to...because who hasn't had a tear fall? who hasn't had a question? (that's the alternate title...i've had questions) so check out these lyrics...and listen to the song...it moves me to tears and always moves me to Him...my abba daddy holding me...
"I've had questions without answers
I've known sorrow, I have known pain
But there's one thing that I cling to
You are faithful, Jesus You're true
When hope is lost
I call You Saviour
When pain surrounds
I call You Healer
When silence falls
You'll be the song within my heart
In the lone hour of my sorrow
Through the darkest night of my soul
You surround me, You sustain me
My defender for ever more
When hope is lost
I call You Saviour
When pain surrounds
I call You Healer
When silence falls
You'll be the song within my heart
And I will praise You
I will Praise You
When the tears fall
Still I will sing to You
I will praise You
Jesus praise You
Through the suffering
Still I will sing to You
When hope is lost
I call You Saviour
When pain surrounds
I call You Healer
When silence falls
You'll be the song within my heart
I will praise You
I will praise You
When the tears fall
Still I will sing to you
I will praise You
Jesus I will praise You
Through the suffering
Still I will sing to you
When the laughter fails to comfort
When my heart aches, Lord You'll be there
When confusion is all around me
And the darkness is my closest friend
Still I'll praise You
Jesus praise You "
this song has been my anthem this month...and there's a lot of people i would highly recommend this song to...because who hasn't had a tear fall? who hasn't had a question? (that's the alternate title...i've had questions) so check out these lyrics...and listen to the song...it moves me to tears and always moves me to Him...my abba daddy holding me...
"I've had questions without answers
I've known sorrow, I have known pain
But there's one thing that I cling to
You are faithful, Jesus You're true
When hope is lost
I call You Saviour
When pain surrounds
I call You Healer
When silence falls
You'll be the song within my heart
In the lone hour of my sorrow
Through the darkest night of my soul
You surround me, You sustain me
My defender for ever more
When hope is lost
I call You Saviour
When pain surrounds
I call You Healer
When silence falls
You'll be the song within my heart
And I will praise You
I will Praise You
When the tears fall
Still I will sing to You
I will praise You
Jesus praise You
Through the suffering
Still I will sing to You
When hope is lost
I call You Saviour
When pain surrounds
I call You Healer
When silence falls
You'll be the song within my heart
I will praise You
I will praise You
When the tears fall
Still I will sing to you
I will praise You
Jesus I will praise You
Through the suffering
Still I will sing to you
When the laughter fails to comfort
When my heart aches, Lord You'll be there
When confusion is all around me
And the darkness is my closest friend
Still I'll praise You
Jesus praise You "
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
"isn't it ironic...don'tcha think?"
here's the ironic part, stick with the story, i gotta build up to it...
Summer 2007...i got this idea for a story and started doing some research and writing it. the thing is...i normally write stories about the things i know maybe including some sort of illness that i don't deal with on a regular basis...you know something to make life interesting! :) so i started writing this story that was totally something that was from my imagination and no part of it was really a fanciful version of my life...total fiction. well summer 2007 was 2 years ago. this story basically got shelved like the rest of my started works. it never got past like page 5. but ive always kept it on my laptop.
May 2009...that post where "creative juices started flowing..." member? i came back to that story and added some more to it. it was about a married couple. the original idea totally came from a dream (and not a dream where Dan and I were married, that's for sure. marriage was not really on my mind summer 07). so now (may 09) i had slight marriage knowledge so i was adding to the story. story once again got pushed aside for loss of ideas and business.
October 2009...going through my laptop and the story comes up. ironic part i never told you. story is about a married couple going trying to live life after a miscarriage. ..... that's right. ironic? i think so. either i was prophesying way back in 07 or i just spoke something into existence, which kinda sucks. because back then, i knew nothing about married life and i knew nothing about what a miscarriage felt like. now i do. maybe i'll start some more work on this one. maybe this one is supposed to be the book i actually finish.
maybe this one i'll carry to term, actually complete, and give birth to a best seller.
Summer 2007...i got this idea for a story and started doing some research and writing it. the thing is...i normally write stories about the things i know maybe including some sort of illness that i don't deal with on a regular basis...you know something to make life interesting! :) so i started writing this story that was totally something that was from my imagination and no part of it was really a fanciful version of my life...total fiction. well summer 2007 was 2 years ago. this story basically got shelved like the rest of my started works. it never got past like page 5. but ive always kept it on my laptop.
May 2009...that post where "creative juices started flowing..." member? i came back to that story and added some more to it. it was about a married couple. the original idea totally came from a dream (and not a dream where Dan and I were married, that's for sure. marriage was not really on my mind summer 07). so now (may 09) i had slight marriage knowledge so i was adding to the story. story once again got pushed aside for loss of ideas and business.
October 2009...going through my laptop and the story comes up. ironic part i never told you. story is about a married couple going trying to live life after a miscarriage. ..... that's right. ironic? i think so. either i was prophesying way back in 07 or i just spoke something into existence, which kinda sucks. because back then, i knew nothing about married life and i knew nothing about what a miscarriage felt like. now i do. maybe i'll start some more work on this one. maybe this one is supposed to be the book i actually finish.
maybe this one i'll carry to term, actually complete, and give birth to a best seller.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
"wishing you were somehow here again..."
that song just popped in to my head...from phantom of the opera. quite appropriate i guess.
realized yesterday that i would've finished my first trimester...made me sad. soaked in a tub last night and just looked at my tummy knowing there was no longer a little baby, a little heartbeat inside. right now, i should have a little belly starting to show...and i don't. i should be a third of the way through my pregnancy, instead i'm sitting here with nothing.
i know there will be moments...i have them.
maybe it just hit me because this past week was rough! not emotionally...that was 2 weeks ago. this week was busy, stressful, frustrating...because of my J.O.B. but my mary kay business is taking off. like popcorn, jamie says. it's all gonna happen this month. i am finishing my car and will be a director before the year is over. and i was given this urgency and ultimate motivation because of my little blueberry baby. and now, my baby's gone...but i still want to finish these goals. finish strong. to show my little baby up in heaven that its momma is a survivor, a fighter, a super woman!
i wanted to be pregnant with my best friend. and we almost were. i'm so excited for her. but today...my heart is sad, knowing our babies would've only been 6 weeks apart.
realized yesterday that i would've finished my first trimester...made me sad. soaked in a tub last night and just looked at my tummy knowing there was no longer a little baby, a little heartbeat inside. right now, i should have a little belly starting to show...and i don't. i should be a third of the way through my pregnancy, instead i'm sitting here with nothing.
i know there will be moments...i have them.
maybe it just hit me because this past week was rough! not emotionally...that was 2 weeks ago. this week was busy, stressful, frustrating...because of my J.O.B. but my mary kay business is taking off. like popcorn, jamie says. it's all gonna happen this month. i am finishing my car and will be a director before the year is over. and i was given this urgency and ultimate motivation because of my little blueberry baby. and now, my baby's gone...but i still want to finish these goals. finish strong. to show my little baby up in heaven that its momma is a survivor, a fighter, a super woman!
i wanted to be pregnant with my best friend. and we almost were. i'm so excited for her. but today...my heart is sad, knowing our babies would've only been 6 weeks apart.
Monday, October 5, 2009
"if i lay here...would you lie with me and just forget the world"
i don't know how i feel. i really don't. so you don't have to ask. because i don't know. i don't know what to say when people ask me that. i'm doing fine today. i'm ok today.
but there are moments.
sometimes i wonder if it hasn't really hit me yet. or if i just don't know how to grieve. because i've only had a few moments. i mean the day we found out was hard. but that was almost 2 weeks ago. since then i've only broke down a few times. i've been too busy. well not even that. i don't wanna say i've had too many excuses to grieve or whatever. i just jumped back in to the cycle because i didn't know what else to do. and because i kinda think i had to. my jobs didn't really offer a whole lot of time to just sit back and not work. i don't feel like i had that option. so now i'm back in the full swing of things and i don't feel like i have the time to go backwards and be sad.
so there's just moments.
like last tuesday. the day after all the serious stuff. i worked in the nursery. and held my new little favorite. a little 6 week old baby. he is so tiny and so precious. and as we sat in the corner and i rocked and fed him, i just lost it. i wanted it so bad. i wanted to be able to hold my little baby and rock and sing to them. but i didn't get the chance. and at that moment, he grabbed my finger and held on tight and i just sat there and bawled.
on wednesday i was doing fine. until they sang "you never let go" at delta. and i lost it. he never lets go of me. through the calm and through the storm.
and i've been so good since then...practically a week. and today...today has just been, melancholy. i dunno why. there's just been moments when tears spring to my eyes and i don't know why.
i guess, my biggest thing i've been thinking about today is God's plan. the thing that i just do not get is why this is God's plan. the pregnancy was soooo obviously God's plan. everything happened so perfectly and exactly that it had to be God's doing. so if that was God's plan, why did it end this way? why would God plan it to happen this way? does God plan for the hardships and pain to happen? or does He just know it's going to happen and it's not what He wants? but if He knows, why let it happen? i know we're not supposed to know or get it. and i'm not necessarily questioning God and everything like that. but those are the circles my mind is running in.
and then there's the whole thing...when we found out that we were pregnant, it wasn't exactly what we'd been planning...but we weren't scared. we were completely trusting that this was God's plan for us and that He was doing what was best for us. and now to have it end this way...why is this what's best for us? Why take the baby away? were we really not going to do a good job yet? did he think we weren't ready? and i know this probably isn't true...but still, the thoughts are there.
but i just don't know what i'm feeling. i'm thinking. i'm healing physically. but i don't know what i'm feeling. and it's hard to even figure out what i'm thinking. everything has happened so quickly that my body is moving on and i can barely wrap my mind and emotions around what is going on. so if i just lay here...would you lie with me and just forget the world?
but there are moments.
sometimes i wonder if it hasn't really hit me yet. or if i just don't know how to grieve. because i've only had a few moments. i mean the day we found out was hard. but that was almost 2 weeks ago. since then i've only broke down a few times. i've been too busy. well not even that. i don't wanna say i've had too many excuses to grieve or whatever. i just jumped back in to the cycle because i didn't know what else to do. and because i kinda think i had to. my jobs didn't really offer a whole lot of time to just sit back and not work. i don't feel like i had that option. so now i'm back in the full swing of things and i don't feel like i have the time to go backwards and be sad.
so there's just moments.
like last tuesday. the day after all the serious stuff. i worked in the nursery. and held my new little favorite. a little 6 week old baby. he is so tiny and so precious. and as we sat in the corner and i rocked and fed him, i just lost it. i wanted it so bad. i wanted to be able to hold my little baby and rock and sing to them. but i didn't get the chance. and at that moment, he grabbed my finger and held on tight and i just sat there and bawled.
on wednesday i was doing fine. until they sang "you never let go" at delta. and i lost it. he never lets go of me. through the calm and through the storm.
and i've been so good since then...practically a week. and today...today has just been, melancholy. i dunno why. there's just been moments when tears spring to my eyes and i don't know why.
i guess, my biggest thing i've been thinking about today is God's plan. the thing that i just do not get is why this is God's plan. the pregnancy was soooo obviously God's plan. everything happened so perfectly and exactly that it had to be God's doing. so if that was God's plan, why did it end this way? why would God plan it to happen this way? does God plan for the hardships and pain to happen? or does He just know it's going to happen and it's not what He wants? but if He knows, why let it happen? i know we're not supposed to know or get it. and i'm not necessarily questioning God and everything like that. but those are the circles my mind is running in.
and then there's the whole thing...when we found out that we were pregnant, it wasn't exactly what we'd been planning...but we weren't scared. we were completely trusting that this was God's plan for us and that He was doing what was best for us. and now to have it end this way...why is this what's best for us? Why take the baby away? were we really not going to do a good job yet? did he think we weren't ready? and i know this probably isn't true...but still, the thoughts are there.
but i just don't know what i'm feeling. i'm thinking. i'm healing physically. but i don't know what i'm feeling. and it's hard to even figure out what i'm thinking. everything has happened so quickly that my body is moving on and i can barely wrap my mind and emotions around what is going on. so if i just lay here...would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Monday, September 28, 2009
"breathe...just breathe"
for some reason that song has repeatedly popped into my head this weekend. it's the one by anna nalick. and the verses don't really have anything to do with what we're going through...but the chorus just keeps popping up. "cause we can't jump the tracks, we're like cars on a cable, and life's like an hourglass glued to the table. no one can find the rewind button, girl. so cradle your head in your hands. and breathe, just breathe."
there's no real way to explain what has happened or what is really going on right now.
Thursday we went in for our 9 week ultrasound. They could not find a heartbeat. Thursday was heartbreaking. so many tears. so much raw emotion. friday, it was surreal; not quite believable. nothing felt any different. a waiting game. how could this be true? late friday night, the spotting began. with that came a whole new realm of tears. knowing our baby was no longer alive; no chance for a miracle. saturday was an escape. i sat and watched movie after movie and did not really acknowledge the world or my situation. and sunday. sunday came the pain. god awful cramps and excruciating pain accompanied by an immense loss of blood. i was in pain, i was scared to be alone, and i knew we had lost our baby. monday morning. pain was pretty much gone. blood loss had lessened. and early the morning, i saw our baby in the flesh.
the weirdest moment of my life. if you're grossed out easily this will maybe gross you out. all i can say is that this day has been so outside of myself. i feel very disjuncted and objective. and i have a feeling, come tomorrow and the days that follow, the emotions that i should have felt today will probably sneak up on me. today i saw my little baby. the pinprick of eyes, little arms, tiny body. tiny doesn't do it justice. so small. how can something that small be alive and have a heartbeat. and yet, it was. that was my baby.
and i lost it.
there's no real way to explain what has happened or what is really going on right now.
Thursday we went in for our 9 week ultrasound. They could not find a heartbeat. Thursday was heartbreaking. so many tears. so much raw emotion. friday, it was surreal; not quite believable. nothing felt any different. a waiting game. how could this be true? late friday night, the spotting began. with that came a whole new realm of tears. knowing our baby was no longer alive; no chance for a miracle. saturday was an escape. i sat and watched movie after movie and did not really acknowledge the world or my situation. and sunday. sunday came the pain. god awful cramps and excruciating pain accompanied by an immense loss of blood. i was in pain, i was scared to be alone, and i knew we had lost our baby. monday morning. pain was pretty much gone. blood loss had lessened. and early the morning, i saw our baby in the flesh.
the weirdest moment of my life. if you're grossed out easily this will maybe gross you out. all i can say is that this day has been so outside of myself. i feel very disjuncted and objective. and i have a feeling, come tomorrow and the days that follow, the emotions that i should have felt today will probably sneak up on me. today i saw my little baby. the pinprick of eyes, little arms, tiny body. tiny doesn't do it justice. so small. how can something that small be alive and have a heartbeat. and yet, it was. that was my baby.
and i lost it.
Monday, September 7, 2009
Memoirs of a girl becoming a mommy...
Wow. Isn't that crazy? I don't post for ages...(sorry) and then I come back and KaPow! I'm pregnant! The reason I hadn't blogged in ages was because I got an actual physical paper journal and was writing in that...tho not very consistantly. And now, here I am. I figured I better document this journey because it's the only time I'll be pregnant for the first time!
Surprise! God's plans are always different than mine. When will that lesson sink in? He keeps trying to teach me that and I keep making my life plans. So He throws in a surprise here and there to keep me guessing. This is, of course, a good surprise--just not at all what we were expecting or ready for. But I guess no one is really completely ready for their first kid!
So we found out Aug 19th for positive, though we'd kinda been guessing and talking about it for the weeks prior. Not because it was planned by us, but because everything was so exact that it had to be planned by God. His fingerprints are all over this one! We told our parents/families the following weekend (the 28th) and then Dan exploding on Sunday and told practically everyone at PM, and then after telling a bunch of our friends it went up on Facebook on Tuesday to just get it out to the world.
And here we are. Technically today I am exactly 5 weeks from conception (so 5 out of 38 weeks), although most of the time they start counting weeks from the first day of the last cycle, so then I'm 7 weeks along out of 40. We have a little blueberry this week! We've found a bunch of sites that tell you what is going on and such that are very helpful and informative. But one of my favs is http://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/blogs/nb_checklists/pages/how-big-is-baby.aspx?r=0. Check it out! It tells you how the baby's growing, but then gives you it's size according to a fruit, etc. Really cute. So we have a blueberry!
So to answer the typical questions...we are due around April 25/26th. We haven't gotten the for sure Doctor assigned due date...but that should be it. I'm doing ok and Dan's doing great. I have had some morning sickness, but I think my vitamins were making it worse. So I switched and am now taking these huge horsepills at night and that has pretty much eliminated most of the morning sickness. I've only had like one real bad day, but I still never actually threw up. I think the biggest thing for me, is I'm EXHAUSTED! All the time. Constantly. Like as soon as I get up, I'm tired already. And if you know me, I'm not a napper. It's really hard for me to actually take naps. So I just try to rest when I can. We are planning on knowing the gender (but we don't plan on telling everyone exactly what we choose for the name because we don't want everyone walking up and talking to the baby as if they already know it! And we also wanna make sure we meet our little one before deciding a name for certain!) We should find out the gender in November--just in time for Christmas presents!
I think that's most of what people have been asking and such...
Dan and I are doing great. Trying to figure out how we can rearrange furniture and such to maximize space in our apartment. I figure we will be fine in this apartment for awhile. While the baby's stuff might take up some extra space--the baby itself won't need a lot of space til it's like a year or two! I know this place feels rather small when we have a 3 year old Riley over.
Speaking of my favorite little boy...I'm sure he will be jealous, but right now, he's just adorable. He walks around going "There's a baby in Betta's tummy" and he'll point at it! So cute! And then I asked him if he was going to play with the baby when it came out of my tummy and he goes, "Well, you better hold it because I can't. But I can be friends with it!" I love him. And I'm really hoping Theresa and Justin get going soon because I want a pregnancy partner and then our little babies will have built in friends! I'm a firm believer in betrothal at birth! hehe
PS...Dan has a gut feeling it's going to be a boy, but I think it's going to be a girl. The funny thing is, Dan has always wanted a girl first and I'm a total sucker for baby boys (well...babies in general I guess!) But when I start thinking about this little one...my mind automatically goes to "baby girl" and I can think of dozens of names and fun things, but "boy" is totally blank. Besides, I pretty much knew immediately that I was pregnant, so maybe that instinct will apply to this too! Of course we will be thrilled with either gender; we just want a healthy little one. 10 tiny fingers, 10 tiny toes.
What else is going on in our lives? Well I went on target for the Chevy Malibu last month! And now my goal is to have it earned by the end of October so I can get it before it snows! And then I can be a director before the baby is born! That is the ultimate goal. Because I have always wanted to be a stay home mom. Just be home and finally be able to write and do the things I love. Mary Kay can totally provide that for our family, so that's what I'm working hard towards. I've got my urgency and my deadline and I WILL DO IT! I can't wait! I'll have a Jensen Unit and a little Jensen family!
Well I guess this is long enough for you all to get through. Just catching you up I guess! Till next time!
Surprise! God's plans are always different than mine. When will that lesson sink in? He keeps trying to teach me that and I keep making my life plans. So He throws in a surprise here and there to keep me guessing. This is, of course, a good surprise--just not at all what we were expecting or ready for. But I guess no one is really completely ready for their first kid!
So we found out Aug 19th for positive, though we'd kinda been guessing and talking about it for the weeks prior. Not because it was planned by us, but because everything was so exact that it had to be planned by God. His fingerprints are all over this one! We told our parents/families the following weekend (the 28th) and then Dan exploding on Sunday and told practically everyone at PM, and then after telling a bunch of our friends it went up on Facebook on Tuesday to just get it out to the world.
And here we are. Technically today I am exactly 5 weeks from conception (so 5 out of 38 weeks), although most of the time they start counting weeks from the first day of the last cycle, so then I'm 7 weeks along out of 40. We have a little blueberry this week! We've found a bunch of sites that tell you what is going on and such that are very helpful and informative. But one of my favs is http://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/blogs/nb_checklists/pages/how-big-is-baby.aspx?r=0. Check it out! It tells you how the baby's growing, but then gives you it's size according to a fruit, etc. Really cute. So we have a blueberry!
So to answer the typical questions...we are due around April 25/26th. We haven't gotten the for sure Doctor assigned due date...but that should be it. I'm doing ok and Dan's doing great. I have had some morning sickness, but I think my vitamins were making it worse. So I switched and am now taking these huge horsepills at night and that has pretty much eliminated most of the morning sickness. I've only had like one real bad day, but I still never actually threw up. I think the biggest thing for me, is I'm EXHAUSTED! All the time. Constantly. Like as soon as I get up, I'm tired already. And if you know me, I'm not a napper. It's really hard for me to actually take naps. So I just try to rest when I can. We are planning on knowing the gender (but we don't plan on telling everyone exactly what we choose for the name because we don't want everyone walking up and talking to the baby as if they already know it! And we also wanna make sure we meet our little one before deciding a name for certain!) We should find out the gender in November--just in time for Christmas presents!
I think that's most of what people have been asking and such...
Dan and I are doing great. Trying to figure out how we can rearrange furniture and such to maximize space in our apartment. I figure we will be fine in this apartment for awhile. While the baby's stuff might take up some extra space--the baby itself won't need a lot of space til it's like a year or two! I know this place feels rather small when we have a 3 year old Riley over.
Speaking of my favorite little boy...I'm sure he will be jealous, but right now, he's just adorable. He walks around going "There's a baby in Betta's tummy" and he'll point at it! So cute! And then I asked him if he was going to play with the baby when it came out of my tummy and he goes, "Well, you better hold it because I can't. But I can be friends with it!" I love him. And I'm really hoping Theresa and Justin get going soon because I want a pregnancy partner and then our little babies will have built in friends! I'm a firm believer in betrothal at birth! hehe
PS...Dan has a gut feeling it's going to be a boy, but I think it's going to be a girl. The funny thing is, Dan has always wanted a girl first and I'm a total sucker for baby boys (well...babies in general I guess!) But when I start thinking about this little one...my mind automatically goes to "baby girl" and I can think of dozens of names and fun things, but "boy" is totally blank. Besides, I pretty much knew immediately that I was pregnant, so maybe that instinct will apply to this too! Of course we will be thrilled with either gender; we just want a healthy little one. 10 tiny fingers, 10 tiny toes.
What else is going on in our lives? Well I went on target for the Chevy Malibu last month! And now my goal is to have it earned by the end of October so I can get it before it snows! And then I can be a director before the baby is born! That is the ultimate goal. Because I have always wanted to be a stay home mom. Just be home and finally be able to write and do the things I love. Mary Kay can totally provide that for our family, so that's what I'm working hard towards. I've got my urgency and my deadline and I WILL DO IT! I can't wait! I'll have a Jensen Unit and a little Jensen family!
Well I guess this is long enough for you all to get through. Just catching you up I guess! Till next time!
Friday, May 1, 2009
"i'd rather have 3 minutes of wonderful rather than a lifetime of nothing special..."
that's from my favorite movie...steel magnolias. such a poignant and beautiful movie that makes me cry every time.
but that's so true. i would rather take risks and end up with just a few minutes of wonderful than have a whole lifetime where i didn't go out on any limbs and end up with nothing special.
i'm writing this with my precious little kitten asleep on my stomach and arm. i love her. and i've only really known her a few hours. i can only imagine how much more amazing a real baby will be (but no worries...that'll be quite awhile...that's why we got the fur baby to fill the gap!) it's been such a beautiful day. gorgeous outside...just spending time with my little kitten, playing, napping. just relaxing...i even worked on a story a smidge...finally some creative juices are flowing again.
i just feel like May is my month! my month to shine and thrive. the wedding's over (which is kinda sad, but at least now i have pics and a video), the moving in is over...we are pretty much settled! we have a kitty! and i'm turning 23 next week. weird. you know, age doesn't really mean a whole lots anymore. past 16 and 18 and 21...not much difference til 30. but like i was saying, may is my month. to spend more time on myself. work out maybe. read more. write more. just better myself.
i think i'm gonna do it. i deserve it!
but that's so true. i would rather take risks and end up with just a few minutes of wonderful than have a whole lifetime where i didn't go out on any limbs and end up with nothing special.
i'm writing this with my precious little kitten asleep on my stomach and arm. i love her. and i've only really known her a few hours. i can only imagine how much more amazing a real baby will be (but no worries...that'll be quite awhile...that's why we got the fur baby to fill the gap!) it's been such a beautiful day. gorgeous outside...just spending time with my little kitten, playing, napping. just relaxing...i even worked on a story a smidge...finally some creative juices are flowing again.
i just feel like May is my month! my month to shine and thrive. the wedding's over (which is kinda sad, but at least now i have pics and a video), the moving in is over...we are pretty much settled! we have a kitty! and i'm turning 23 next week. weird. you know, age doesn't really mean a whole lots anymore. past 16 and 18 and 21...not much difference til 30. but like i was saying, may is my month. to spend more time on myself. work out maybe. read more. write more. just better myself.
i think i'm gonna do it. i deserve it!
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
stories in my mind
there was a moment today that caught me off guard and made me stop and ponder my life.
a little girl excitedly reading a part of her new "chapter book" she had written to her mom.
18 years ago...that little girl was me. so excited as i was still learning how to write, misspelling every other word...but excited nonetheless over the long chapter book i had written (that looking back on it now is only a few pages of notebook paper written on in big letters). stories of princesses, puppies and teeth. bound and illustrated. mysteries and love stories. my shelves are filled with notebooks overflowing with words scribbled in pencil and pen.
and here i am. 18 years later. sitting at a computer doing work that isn't very creative and certainly isn't those exciting stories of years ago. i'm no longer proudly running around saying...
"Like what I have written so far?"
a little girl excitedly reading a part of her new "chapter book" she had written to her mom.
18 years ago...that little girl was me. so excited as i was still learning how to write, misspelling every other word...but excited nonetheless over the long chapter book i had written (that looking back on it now is only a few pages of notebook paper written on in big letters). stories of princesses, puppies and teeth. bound and illustrated. mysteries and love stories. my shelves are filled with notebooks overflowing with words scribbled in pencil and pen.
and here i am. 18 years later. sitting at a computer doing work that isn't very creative and certainly isn't those exciting stories of years ago. i'm no longer proudly running around saying...
"Like what I have written so far?"
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
"Just one lifetime won't be enough for us..."
Just one of the many wonderful quotes adorning my walls. this one is located right above our tv/entertainment center. how true. it makes me smile.
we've had five years together. five years. that's a long dang time. we've gone through so much. there are moments when those five years seem exceptionally long...filled with so many memories that the filing cabinets of my mind can't keep them all straight. there are other moments when those years seem to have whisked by so unbelievably fast.
we've grown up. in so many ways. and we're still kids. in so many ways. little kids, playing house for real. cooking, cleaning, playing, laughing, dreaming.
Dreaming...which reminds me...lately, i've been dreaming, wishing, hoping to be better. i'm not having a pity party or anything of the sort. i'm not depressed or anything like that (although sunny warmer weather would probably improve my mood...as would a different week of the month!) but yesterday as i was laying awake and trying to fall asleep, next to my amazing husband (so weird to say that)...all i could think was, "I wish I was better..." at everything. and like i said, not in a depressing way or a bad way. i just wish I was a better friend, a better wife, a better daughter, a better writer, a better reader, a better worker. I wish I was more motivated to do the things I love, and if I were more motivated, I'm sure I would then be a lot better at all those things. I wish I wasn't tired all the time. i wish i could work out and be in shape. i wish i was better with my mary kay business so that someday, i wouldn't have to work fulltime to support my family. I wish I had the time to be motivated to do those things that i love and want to be better at. I have a stack a mile high of books i would just love to curl up and read. books that would entertain, books to feed the soul, books to inspire, books to help me create, books to teach, and the finally the ultimate book--my bible to study, learn, be filled. i have a stack of empty journals i would love to fill with quiet ramblings of my life; fill with quotes from movies and books; i would love to fill them with stories that have run over in my mind. there's music i want to listen to, play on the piano, sing and maybe perform. there's plays and musicals i want to be in. i want to thrive again.and maybe this is where i can start. maybe i'll be able to build up that motivation to do all those things i want to do so badly, be so badly. i wish i had some break to look forward to. to say...ok during this break, i am going to start getting better at x, y, and z. that is almost motivation enough to be a teacher (though i don't think i'd ever love it and i sure as heck would never wanna go back to school). the idea of a summer break, where there's no work looming. no force making get up and be stuck in a windowless world while it's beautiful and free outside. but sadly...i'm not a teacher, not will i ever be. so there is no big break coming up on the horizon. somehow i've gotta find a way to fit all the things i want to do and be into my crazy jammed packed life. and you know me, i'm organized, and if i can't do it...i'm at a loss. but i guess i'll hafta try. and maybe if i start, it'll just keep rolling. and i'll have exciting things in each day to look forward to. i don't know why i'm quite so thoughtful as of late...maybe it's because i feel like i'm starting this new chapter of life and i want to start it right. i sound so excited and hopeful right now...i hope i actually make good on these little inklings of vows to make my life better.
i've rambled enough so i'll leave you with one more quote...i know i'm a dork, but i'm ok with it. and if you're reading this, you love me anyway.
Monday, April 20, 2009
"extraordinary together...ordinary apart"
here i am. i have not died. just simply had a whirlwind of a month. and here i am on the other side of it all wondering where it all went. the wedding is over (a part of me is kinda sad...there no longer is some big event for me to coordinate and plan) the honeymoon is over (a big part of me is sad...there no longer is a glorious vacation to look forward to)
it's over. no more celebration. no more planning. no more vacation. that's the saddest part i think. i have nothing that i'm looking forward to anymore. no glimpse of freedom, where i'll just get to lay around and do nothing. i want to be back on the beach, the only thought of planning was figuring out what to eat and drink next.
the honeymoon is over. in every sense. no more beach. no more gifts. just back to work. back to our busy life schedules where we rarely see each other (at least i know we'll fall asleep together). on to laundry and trying to cook and trying to clean up. on to a life of busy-ness and watching the boy play video/computer games relentlessly. (maybe i shouldn't have been a cool wife and bought him games...oh well, too late now.)
don't get me wrong. life is wonderful. surreal kinda. i am deliriously happy with our life together. our apartment is cute (white, but cute!) i'm decorating with wall quote stickers...you know me and my quotes. only a few more things to settle, but it's pretty much home. our home. that's so weird to say. it's nice. to have a place of our own. where i know we'll both end up at at the end of our crazy days.
it's weird to be married. to have a different name. it's kinda not fair. a) the guys hafta do practically nothing to pull the whole wedding/reception event off, b) the guys really don't hafta do a whole lot in the moving process except lift the heavy things, and then lastly c) guys don't have to do any of the hassle of name changing. as a girl, you hafta change you license, change your social security card, change your address, change all my work stuff, change the email, phone message, everything. it's a lot.
so now everyone asks how married life is...it's great. but yeah...it's kinda surreal. to have a life of my own! laying in bed this morning, waking up next to my best friend...was weird to think i get to do this forever. it's surreal because you don't really feel a whole lot different...but at the same time, everything's different. i like it!
so yeah...we've been good. had ultimate birth control: riley spent the night saturday night. it was so much fun. i love that child like he is mine. we had the best time ever. nothing special. took him to see my little sister's musical and he was wonderful. came home and watched a movie with dan. went to sleep. woke up and watched tarzan and ate pancakes and he bawled when he had to go home. it felt bad to make him so sad, but good to know he loved us so much. i love him. that child brightens up my life and makes me happy.
and now, we're back in our busy life schedule...and i'm tired. so tired. it's back to the same answer when people ask how i am. i'm tired. drained and exhausted. and my work isn't that hard. why do i just find myself wiped out then? i wish i was back on the beach! maybe i just need something to look forward to...but what? all our big stuff happened in a few short weeks and i'm left with no motivation. all i wanna do is lay around our apartment doing things i wanna do, on my schedule, and just be with dan. sadly...my job does not allow this. so on i go. making money. praying dan will get a fulltime job making enough money so i don't have to work fulltime for much longer.
i know i'm just rambling and i'm sorry. maybe i'll go read or something now. i should start working out...maybe that would give me energy. but i can't find the motivation. i couldn't find the motivation when i was getting married and had a deadline...what's gonna get me off my butt now. someone want a workout partner? :)
it's over. no more celebration. no more planning. no more vacation. that's the saddest part i think. i have nothing that i'm looking forward to anymore. no glimpse of freedom, where i'll just get to lay around and do nothing. i want to be back on the beach, the only thought of planning was figuring out what to eat and drink next.
the honeymoon is over. in every sense. no more beach. no more gifts. just back to work. back to our busy life schedules where we rarely see each other (at least i know we'll fall asleep together). on to laundry and trying to cook and trying to clean up. on to a life of busy-ness and watching the boy play video/computer games relentlessly. (maybe i shouldn't have been a cool wife and bought him games...oh well, too late now.)
don't get me wrong. life is wonderful. surreal kinda. i am deliriously happy with our life together. our apartment is cute (white, but cute!) i'm decorating with wall quote stickers...you know me and my quotes. only a few more things to settle, but it's pretty much home. our home. that's so weird to say. it's nice. to have a place of our own. where i know we'll both end up at at the end of our crazy days.
it's weird to be married. to have a different name. it's kinda not fair. a) the guys hafta do practically nothing to pull the whole wedding/reception event off, b) the guys really don't hafta do a whole lot in the moving process except lift the heavy things, and then lastly c) guys don't have to do any of the hassle of name changing. as a girl, you hafta change you license, change your social security card, change your address, change all my work stuff, change the email, phone message, everything. it's a lot.
so now everyone asks how married life is...it's great. but yeah...it's kinda surreal. to have a life of my own! laying in bed this morning, waking up next to my best friend...was weird to think i get to do this forever. it's surreal because you don't really feel a whole lot different...but at the same time, everything's different. i like it!
so yeah...we've been good. had ultimate birth control: riley spent the night saturday night. it was so much fun. i love that child like he is mine. we had the best time ever. nothing special. took him to see my little sister's musical and he was wonderful. came home and watched a movie with dan. went to sleep. woke up and watched tarzan and ate pancakes and he bawled when he had to go home. it felt bad to make him so sad, but good to know he loved us so much. i love him. that child brightens up my life and makes me happy.
and now, we're back in our busy life schedule...and i'm tired. so tired. it's back to the same answer when people ask how i am. i'm tired. drained and exhausted. and my work isn't that hard. why do i just find myself wiped out then? i wish i was back on the beach! maybe i just need something to look forward to...but what? all our big stuff happened in a few short weeks and i'm left with no motivation. all i wanna do is lay around our apartment doing things i wanna do, on my schedule, and just be with dan. sadly...my job does not allow this. so on i go. making money. praying dan will get a fulltime job making enough money so i don't have to work fulltime for much longer.
i know i'm just rambling and i'm sorry. maybe i'll go read or something now. i should start working out...maybe that would give me energy. but i can't find the motivation. i couldn't find the motivation when i was getting married and had a deadline...what's gonna get me off my butt now. someone want a workout partner? :)
Sunday, March 15, 2009
"I want all of you, forever, you and me, every day."
it's kind of surreal. 19 days. it's really happening. i'm all grown up and getting married. it's kinda weird. but so exciting. i cannot wait.
i can't wait for an apartment of my own, decorating it myself, filling it with memories and things that are brand new and ours.
i can't wait for jamaica, white sand beaches, all inclusive resorts, snorkeling, sleeping on the beach, relaxing, no more stress.
i can't wait for bridesmaids dresses, hair and makeup, pictures and music, dancing and food, my beautiful wedding dress, personalized chucks.
i can't wait to walk down the aisle on my dad's arm, looking into the eyes of my best friend. i can't wait to see his face at the end of the aisle waiting for me.
but more than anything, i can't wait to be married. i can't wait to start our life together. i can't wait to be able to fall asleep next to him every night and wake up next to him every morning (in our brand new, totally awesome bed!). i can't wait to grow closer, rough through tough times, learn even more about each other, be together.
and it's really happening. in 19 days. that's crazy. it makes my stomach ball up in excitement and my throat catch. it's really happening. as hard and rough as these past few months have been, we have grown and learned. we have fought and loved. and learned over and over that we are meant to be together.
our new life is about to start. and i can't wait!
i can't wait for an apartment of my own, decorating it myself, filling it with memories and things that are brand new and ours.
i can't wait for jamaica, white sand beaches, all inclusive resorts, snorkeling, sleeping on the beach, relaxing, no more stress.
i can't wait for bridesmaids dresses, hair and makeup, pictures and music, dancing and food, my beautiful wedding dress, personalized chucks.
i can't wait to walk down the aisle on my dad's arm, looking into the eyes of my best friend. i can't wait to see his face at the end of the aisle waiting for me.
but more than anything, i can't wait to be married. i can't wait to start our life together. i can't wait to be able to fall asleep next to him every night and wake up next to him every morning (in our brand new, totally awesome bed!). i can't wait to grow closer, rough through tough times, learn even more about each other, be together.
and it's really happening. in 19 days. that's crazy. it makes my stomach ball up in excitement and my throat catch. it's really happening. as hard and rough as these past few months have been, we have grown and learned. we have fought and loved. and learned over and over that we are meant to be together.
our new life is about to start. and i can't wait!
Friday, February 13, 2009
"a mind diseased and a world crumbling in despair..."
i'm not saying this for people to worry. i'm not doing this to cause drama. i'm not trying to get people to notice me and comment.
this is just an honest straight to god plea.
i cannot take any more of this. i am at my breaking point.
and it's like you keep testing me a little bit further to see just how much farther I can go and i can't. i can't go any farther.
or maybe i can, but it won't be me then. it'll be a me taken over by bitterness, anger and frustration. and i don't want that. i'm trying so hard here. so hard to keep a smile, a peace that comes only from you. i've been so grateful for that peace, but now, as things keep hitting i just can't keep a hold on it and bitterness and anger start to creep in.
i'm trying so hard. why? why do you keep throwing things at us? why? i can't do it. i can't. you'renot supposed to give us more than we can't handle....i know we're getting stronger as we fight through all these hard times together. but i can't take any more. the tears keep coming, the frustration gets higher and the desperation sinks lower.
i keep praying for peace and hope and guidance and patience....and instead, more crap hits the fan, and less peace remains.
losing a job was hard enough on us. we're still struggling so hard to get through that and i don't know how we're going to. honestly. i know you've got something better coming. but i don't know where or when. and i honestly, don't even care that i don't know. i'm not trying to control any of it. i just know it has to happen before the wedding or we will have no place to live.
and i'm scared. i'm so scared. and i can't stop crying because i don't know what to do. and when i do stop crying, then i just get upset. the peace and understanding i had a month ago is gone and replaced with bitter whispers and just hurt and fear.
and if that's not enough...car gets hit, doesn't get a job after a surefire interview, nothing left in town and trying to look out of town, and now...car broken into and things stolen.
really? did we need that?
no...we didn't.
so why? i know it's ok to wrestle and embrace and i can feel your big arms holding me as i cry. i can hear your whispers of hope...but they aren't quite penetrating through the fear...so the tears keep coming as i collapse on the floor...just waiting for something good to happen. just waiting for what you've got good in store...because i really can't take this crap any more.
this is just an honest straight to god plea.
i cannot take any more of this. i am at my breaking point.
and it's like you keep testing me a little bit further to see just how much farther I can go and i can't. i can't go any farther.
or maybe i can, but it won't be me then. it'll be a me taken over by bitterness, anger and frustration. and i don't want that. i'm trying so hard here. so hard to keep a smile, a peace that comes only from you. i've been so grateful for that peace, but now, as things keep hitting i just can't keep a hold on it and bitterness and anger start to creep in.
i'm trying so hard. why? why do you keep throwing things at us? why? i can't do it. i can't. you'renot supposed to give us more than we can't handle....i know we're getting stronger as we fight through all these hard times together. but i can't take any more. the tears keep coming, the frustration gets higher and the desperation sinks lower.
i keep praying for peace and hope and guidance and patience....and instead, more crap hits the fan, and less peace remains.
losing a job was hard enough on us. we're still struggling so hard to get through that and i don't know how we're going to. honestly. i know you've got something better coming. but i don't know where or when. and i honestly, don't even care that i don't know. i'm not trying to control any of it. i just know it has to happen before the wedding or we will have no place to live.
and i'm scared. i'm so scared. and i can't stop crying because i don't know what to do. and when i do stop crying, then i just get upset. the peace and understanding i had a month ago is gone and replaced with bitter whispers and just hurt and fear.
and if that's not enough...car gets hit, doesn't get a job after a surefire interview, nothing left in town and trying to look out of town, and now...car broken into and things stolen.
really? did we need that?
no...we didn't.
so why? i know it's ok to wrestle and embrace and i can feel your big arms holding me as i cry. i can hear your whispers of hope...but they aren't quite penetrating through the fear...so the tears keep coming as i collapse on the floor...just waiting for something good to happen. just waiting for what you've got good in store...because i really can't take this crap any more.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
"your life is happening now"
that's our Season 4 tagline for PM. pretty darn true. so often i look at life waiting anxiously for the next big thing that's coming up, or lately, looking back on all the great things that have already happened. and all the while...my life is happening right now.
take for example...this wedding thing i've got coming up :) i can't wait for it to be here. i can't wait to be mrs. jensen. i can't wait to have an apartment of my own to decorate with all the gifts we'll get. i can't wait to be on a beach in jamaica. i can't wait. and i know the planning is exciting...especially for detail oriented nerds like myself. but a part of me just wants to fast forward.
i know this is normal. for so many people. that's prob why they made the movie Click. but still...why do we do this? why do we think and feel this way so often. i know i've done this in the past. i couldn't wait to be out of RVC...my two years there are serious blurs to me, clearing up only when I was in shows. I absolutely couldn't wait to be done with RC...and those two years flew by so fast I couldn't believe it. and now...i've kinda been on auto-pilot/standstill with wedding plans for two months without even realizing it. and when i look at the days and count out the weeks...there's only 70 some days left and that's gonna fly because that's only 10 weeks!!!
why can't we just appreciate the things that God gives us day by day, instead of constantly looking and wishing for something better? maybe that'll be a "resolution" for this year. maybe that's what this blog can be useful for. reminding myself to look for the beauty and good in each day, instead of dwelling on the future or past and constantly wishing for "the days when i don't have to drive 30 minutes to work," and other such things. i know that there will be days when i will seriously miss those long commutes. deep down i know it. i will miss those drives belting out disney and broadway showtunes, i will miss those long phone calls to people i don't always get the chance to just sit and talk to, i will miss those long, much needed talks with my Father that always clear my head and put my mind in perspective, i will miss those sometimes needed cries where no one will bug me and i can just openly shed some tears and still be fine by the time i get home. so while i hate the waste of gas, lack of sleep, and driving in the snow--it is a blessing i will miss.
so this year, i will look for those little blessings in disguise that are in my days. and i will live my life to the fullest, like God wants for me, because my life is happening now. and so is yours. what are you doing with it?
take for example...this wedding thing i've got coming up :) i can't wait for it to be here. i can't wait to be mrs. jensen. i can't wait to have an apartment of my own to decorate with all the gifts we'll get. i can't wait to be on a beach in jamaica. i can't wait. and i know the planning is exciting...especially for detail oriented nerds like myself. but a part of me just wants to fast forward.
i know this is normal. for so many people. that's prob why they made the movie Click. but still...why do we do this? why do we think and feel this way so often. i know i've done this in the past. i couldn't wait to be out of RVC...my two years there are serious blurs to me, clearing up only when I was in shows. I absolutely couldn't wait to be done with RC...and those two years flew by so fast I couldn't believe it. and now...i've kinda been on auto-pilot/standstill with wedding plans for two months without even realizing it. and when i look at the days and count out the weeks...there's only 70 some days left and that's gonna fly because that's only 10 weeks!!!
why can't we just appreciate the things that God gives us day by day, instead of constantly looking and wishing for something better? maybe that'll be a "resolution" for this year. maybe that's what this blog can be useful for. reminding myself to look for the beauty and good in each day, instead of dwelling on the future or past and constantly wishing for "the days when i don't have to drive 30 minutes to work," and other such things. i know that there will be days when i will seriously miss those long commutes. deep down i know it. i will miss those drives belting out disney and broadway showtunes, i will miss those long phone calls to people i don't always get the chance to just sit and talk to, i will miss those long, much needed talks with my Father that always clear my head and put my mind in perspective, i will miss those sometimes needed cries where no one will bug me and i can just openly shed some tears and still be fine by the time i get home. so while i hate the waste of gas, lack of sleep, and driving in the snow--it is a blessing i will miss.
so this year, i will look for those little blessings in disguise that are in my days. and i will live my life to the fullest, like God wants for me, because my life is happening now. and so is yours. what are you doing with it?
Monday, January 12, 2009
"...I shall be your tears, your laughter, and your dreams..."
"That's not being a wife…It's to be everything your husband is and everything he loves. It's to be the humblest part of him and the noblest…I shall be your tears, your laughter, and your dreams."
--ondine, act 1
--ondine, act 1
so this is what i'm getting myself into! but seriously...when you truly are in love and a part of someone's life like that...you really do feel what they feel and the like. dan and i had a rough week, not relationally but just situationaly. it wasn't fun. i'm glad the week has moved on and that this monday is not nearly as rough as last. but this week...we've shared the tears, and the laughs and the dreams of our future. and i'm glad.
glad that i have someone like that in my life. glad that i get to share my life with him. glad that i get to have a future with him.
as stressful and emotional as this week should have been, dan and i have had fun. my cousin tim came in to town for the weekend and that was a blast. dan and i left friday afternoon for o'hare and got to spend some time in the car and at the airport with tim. we then came home and played poker with my bro and mom til 2 am! ps...i totally won!! saturday we just relaxed and hung out that night. and sunday my whole family plus tim and dan went in to chicago to drop rob off at loyola and spend the day in the city. it was a blast.
i can't wait til dan and i can go on little day trips of our own...and better yet, get to go home together, not leave each other. i know, i'm impatient but 5 years! come on!
and now it's a new week. new ideas, goals, projects and dreams. we will pull through. we will succeed, with god at the helm who can go wrong! tomorrow morning starts up again with Becoming--yay for holding babies....not so yay for having to register them all and deal with their moms! i've been knitting like crazy! and i'm so excited by my projects. i am making a hooded scarf...kinda like my brown one but simpler (seeing as how i didn't make my brown one!) and i am also making these awesome "cleaves" i found online! i'm so excited and can't wait to be finished so i can start on something new! yeah...i'm a knitting nerd. but i'm okay with it.
i think i shall knit a bit before bed since this comp battery is almost dead. goodnight! and good luck facing the blizzard.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
"Well in body but considerably rumpled in spirit."
that's me. (well actually it's Anne again, but meh...)
i was looking forward to '09. thought i had a lot going for me: good job, awesome mary kay with goals to earn a car soon, a wedding, a marriage.... sure that's still there. but so far...2009 kinda sucks.
i know i need to focus on the good things...because there are lots of them. but right now...i think i may just sulk in the "depths of despair" for a bit. i mean, everyone deserves a venting space, right? i just hate that when i look at my life and my ever fading ideas of what my future may hold...there aren't alot of my wants and desires left.
growing up, all i ever ever ever wanted to be was a writer, and be an actress and a singer on the side. all i write now is this blog and my facebook status...and a million work emails a day. where are all my stories? the faded notebooks and journals that were once passed around like gold from eager reader to eager reader. now, they sit, covered in cobwebs in boxes on my floor. no one reads them. most of them are left unfinished. and even the stories in my head...the ones i don't even have time to write...those are unfinished and not even good enough to start on. and the scariest and saddest part is...the ideas for my little stories come much fewer and farther between. acting and singing...oh how i miss it. what a high. what a rush. i love to memorize lines, write blocking, rush through a costume stage to burst back onstage into the light. i miss it. who knows when i'll get to do any of that again.
who has time to indulge in passions and desires when you have to work fulltime and you're too exhausted for anything else after that?
another dream of mine i've always held to...that seems so silly now...is to not have to work once i have children. to be able to write from home and not "work" in the 9 to 5 sense. honestly, at the rate my life is going right now there's no way this will ever come true. i can't depend on dan to take care of me, let alone a family. that scares me. more now than ever before. because before, he was just my boyfriend. now he's my jobless fiance. and i'm scared. scared that all my dreams are fading away.
i know it doesn't have to be that way. i can be the one to change it all. and i will. i hope. i know i can. by trusting and believing. and knowing there's something better out there for us in the bigger plans that i don't see yet. but at the same time...i know God doesn't want my passions and dreams fading...He put them in me.
maybe my rumpled little spirit can hold onto them for just a little longer...
maybe the new stress that 2009 brings will end up for the better...
...i hope. i'll hold on to my hope in 2009.
i was looking forward to '09. thought i had a lot going for me: good job, awesome mary kay with goals to earn a car soon, a wedding, a marriage.... sure that's still there. but so far...2009 kinda sucks.
i know i need to focus on the good things...because there are lots of them. but right now...i think i may just sulk in the "depths of despair" for a bit. i mean, everyone deserves a venting space, right? i just hate that when i look at my life and my ever fading ideas of what my future may hold...there aren't alot of my wants and desires left.
growing up, all i ever ever ever wanted to be was a writer, and be an actress and a singer on the side. all i write now is this blog and my facebook status...and a million work emails a day. where are all my stories? the faded notebooks and journals that were once passed around like gold from eager reader to eager reader. now, they sit, covered in cobwebs in boxes on my floor. no one reads them. most of them are left unfinished. and even the stories in my head...the ones i don't even have time to write...those are unfinished and not even good enough to start on. and the scariest and saddest part is...the ideas for my little stories come much fewer and farther between. acting and singing...oh how i miss it. what a high. what a rush. i love to memorize lines, write blocking, rush through a costume stage to burst back onstage into the light. i miss it. who knows when i'll get to do any of that again.
who has time to indulge in passions and desires when you have to work fulltime and you're too exhausted for anything else after that?
another dream of mine i've always held to...that seems so silly now...is to not have to work once i have children. to be able to write from home and not "work" in the 9 to 5 sense. honestly, at the rate my life is going right now there's no way this will ever come true. i can't depend on dan to take care of me, let alone a family. that scares me. more now than ever before. because before, he was just my boyfriend. now he's my jobless fiance. and i'm scared. scared that all my dreams are fading away.
i know it doesn't have to be that way. i can be the one to change it all. and i will. i hope. i know i can. by trusting and believing. and knowing there's something better out there for us in the bigger plans that i don't see yet. but at the same time...i know God doesn't want my passions and dreams fading...He put them in me.
maybe my rumpled little spirit can hold onto them for just a little longer...
maybe the new stress that 2009 brings will end up for the better...
...i hope. i'll hold on to my hope in 2009.
Monday, January 5, 2009
"this is such a jonah day..."
oh how i love Anne of Green Gables. I think I may just bust it out...although not counting Anne, I already have a huge stack of books to read. now i just need the time to read them!
today has been a jonah day for sure. lots of tears and tear induced headaches and exhaustion.
we'll be okay. it all will be okay. and i do really believe that. honest. sometimes you just have to let the tears and fear out and then move past it. it's okay to be scared and wonder what the heck God's up to. It's even okay to wrestle with God--like Jonah. As long as you're wrestling and embracing God. And I am...trying to at least...smiles. we'll be okay. I trust His plan much more than my own.
and knitting makes things better too! i love it. even in the midst of all the crap today, i just pulled out my knitting and then was able to let my mind drift to happier thoughts of knits and purls and soft yarns and pretty, fun, funky things I'm creating with my clumsy ripped up little fingers and rusty wrists. think i'll go work on that now...a perfect happy end to a Jonah day...
today has been a jonah day for sure. lots of tears and tear induced headaches and exhaustion.
we'll be okay. it all will be okay. and i do really believe that. honest. sometimes you just have to let the tears and fear out and then move past it. it's okay to be scared and wonder what the heck God's up to. It's even okay to wrestle with God--like Jonah. As long as you're wrestling and embracing God. And I am...trying to at least...smiles. we'll be okay. I trust His plan much more than my own.
and knitting makes things better too! i love it. even in the midst of all the crap today, i just pulled out my knitting and then was able to let my mind drift to happier thoughts of knits and purls and soft yarns and pretty, fun, funky things I'm creating with my clumsy ripped up little fingers and rusty wrists. think i'll go work on that now...a perfect happy end to a Jonah day...
unknown
i'm scared. i'm shaking and so cold, but sweating. i'm starving but the thought of food makes me nauseous. my eyes are burning and dry but i can't stop the tears from welling up. my bloodshot eyes look more like the eyes of the vampires i read about than my own. and i'm scared.
of the unknown.
funny, how yesterday i kept remembering this weekend's message. you can't tell the future. you can only trust in god's plan and will for life, because his is way better than mine. and i believe that. i have to. it's the only way my life works. and now...it's just funny in the uncanny funny kind of funny...when you don't want to laugh, you want to cry. because you're scared. and you just wonder what the heck is going on and why everything is falling all around you.
i know we'll be ok. because i believe with everything within me that god's already got it worked out. i know i shouldn't be...but i'm so scared. so so scared.
please pray. i'll update with details when i can. (it's times like right now that i'm so thankful to be able to write all this down here...see, it's funny. god had it all worked out...)
of the unknown.
funny, how yesterday i kept remembering this weekend's message. you can't tell the future. you can only trust in god's plan and will for life, because his is way better than mine. and i believe that. i have to. it's the only way my life works. and now...it's just funny in the uncanny funny kind of funny...when you don't want to laugh, you want to cry. because you're scared. and you just wonder what the heck is going on and why everything is falling all around you.
i know we'll be ok. because i believe with everything within me that god's already got it worked out. i know i shouldn't be...but i'm so scared. so so scared.
please pray. i'll update with details when i can. (it's times like right now that i'm so thankful to be able to write all this down here...see, it's funny. god had it all worked out...)
Sunday, January 4, 2009
"...Now that I love you, two steps away from you, my lonliness begins."
-Ondine
I love that play. It's probably not healthy. That or it says something about me...that the stories I love so much are tragic love stories. Someone always dies or something along those lines. Maybe I am a freak...a tragically, hopelessly romantic freak.
Does the winter and cold do this to anyone else? Or is it just me? All I ever want to do is curl up with a book and a steaming mug in front of a fire...and the book must be some sort of romance; or curl up under a blanket with a ball of yarn and my knitting sitting in front of a good movie...preferably something tear-jerking or a romantic comedy. And the thing I want most of all is to have the man I love by my side.
I long for the days when we can spend lazy Saturdays and Sundays together doing nothing and just savoring the days. I long for when we can watch a movie and one of us doesn't have to leave to drive home in the cold. Reading Manda's blog made me want that even more. I know there's only 3 months left. And trust me, I know that there is A LOT to do in those few remaining weeks. I know that they will fly past me, but I'm still impatient and I can't wait.
Maybe the other reason I long for those kind of days, is because I get them so rarely. I feel like there are so many things that I'm juggling. I love them all but there are so many balls up in the air: my Mary Kay, the wedding, KidCare, H:PM, the family, Dan, friends. And there's so many aspects to all of those items. And just when I feel like I've got everything down pat, into a good swing of things, one of the balls bursts into pieces and I have to keep all the new pieces in the air too! I just always feel so busy, and so tired. It never stops, does it? Ah well...
This week at church was such a good reminder. You can't control the future. For so long in my life that's what I've tried to do. Keep my juggling act alive, trying desparately to hold onto my version of my path and my future. And what happened? It all came tumbling down. I was so sick of hearing people tell me God was "guiding their lives and choices" that I struck out on my own. And got no where. Just kept trying to hard to do it all on my own. It wasn't until about 2 years ago...wow doesn't feel that long ago...that I finally got that I couldn't do it. The only way to live the life we were created for is to let go...and trust. Trust God's will.
Granted, I'm not real good at that. It's a daily challenge to let go and let God lead...as corny as that may sound. But I'm being serious. I would not be where I am without Him. As crazy as my life gets now, I still have some sort of peace. I know my relationships would all fall to pieces if I didn't keep Him at the center. Dan and I tried that too...and we did fall apart. Our relationship is so much better and stronger now that He is at the center. And even though I don't really know where I'm going, I know I'll get there with Him leading.
Maybe someday I won't have to work a million hours a week and run around like crazy all the time. Someday I might be able to sit at home and just write my heart out and have my amazing husband at my side. I'm trusting that with my heart seeking after His...I'll be ok. And I'm really glad I don't have to handle it all anymore. Lets me breathe a little easier.
I'm sure this has gone all over the place...I feel like it's not very put together, but I just let my fingers go and this is what spewed out. That's me I guess...
I love that play. It's probably not healthy. That or it says something about me...that the stories I love so much are tragic love stories. Someone always dies or something along those lines. Maybe I am a freak...a tragically, hopelessly romantic freak.
Does the winter and cold do this to anyone else? Or is it just me? All I ever want to do is curl up with a book and a steaming mug in front of a fire...and the book must be some sort of romance; or curl up under a blanket with a ball of yarn and my knitting sitting in front of a good movie...preferably something tear-jerking or a romantic comedy. And the thing I want most of all is to have the man I love by my side.
I long for the days when we can spend lazy Saturdays and Sundays together doing nothing and just savoring the days. I long for when we can watch a movie and one of us doesn't have to leave to drive home in the cold. Reading Manda's blog made me want that even more. I know there's only 3 months left. And trust me, I know that there is A LOT to do in those few remaining weeks. I know that they will fly past me, but I'm still impatient and I can't wait.
Maybe the other reason I long for those kind of days, is because I get them so rarely. I feel like there are so many things that I'm juggling. I love them all but there are so many balls up in the air: my Mary Kay, the wedding, KidCare, H:PM, the family, Dan, friends. And there's so many aspects to all of those items. And just when I feel like I've got everything down pat, into a good swing of things, one of the balls bursts into pieces and I have to keep all the new pieces in the air too! I just always feel so busy, and so tired. It never stops, does it? Ah well...
This week at church was such a good reminder. You can't control the future. For so long in my life that's what I've tried to do. Keep my juggling act alive, trying desparately to hold onto my version of my path and my future. And what happened? It all came tumbling down. I was so sick of hearing people tell me God was "guiding their lives and choices" that I struck out on my own. And got no where. Just kept trying to hard to do it all on my own. It wasn't until about 2 years ago...wow doesn't feel that long ago...that I finally got that I couldn't do it. The only way to live the life we were created for is to let go...and trust. Trust God's will.
Granted, I'm not real good at that. It's a daily challenge to let go and let God lead...as corny as that may sound. But I'm being serious. I would not be where I am without Him. As crazy as my life gets now, I still have some sort of peace. I know my relationships would all fall to pieces if I didn't keep Him at the center. Dan and I tried that too...and we did fall apart. Our relationship is so much better and stronger now that He is at the center. And even though I don't really know where I'm going, I know I'll get there with Him leading.
Maybe someday I won't have to work a million hours a week and run around like crazy all the time. Someday I might be able to sit at home and just write my heart out and have my amazing husband at my side. I'm trusting that with my heart seeking after His...I'll be ok. And I'm really glad I don't have to handle it all anymore. Lets me breathe a little easier.
I'm sure this has gone all over the place...I feel like it's not very put together, but I just let my fingers go and this is what spewed out. That's me I guess...
Saturday, January 3, 2009
"Tomorrow is always fresh, there are no mistakes in it..."
That's from "Anne of Green Gables." Just a note of forewarning...you'll more than likely see a lot of quotes here. I can't help it. It's a hobby, a love, an obsession of sorts. I adore finding quotes and holding onto them. I collect them from all over...tv shows, movies, plays, books, songs, anything really.
I chose this quote for today because it is so true, especially starting out in a new year. There are so many new days, new tomorrows, waiting for the taking. So here I am.
As luck and boredom would have it, at work today I stumbled across some old journals and blogs I used to keep vigorously--sometimes just little notes, sometimes heartfelt books. And I remembered just how much I love to write. And just how much I miss it, and ache for it in a part of my soul I sometimes forget is there. That is sad...and rather ridiculous. I'm 22. Why am I pushing my dreams so far off to the side already? Why am I making sacrifices that I don't need to or have to make yet?
I can still write. Even if it's just little blogs here and there that no one reads. Although, any writer who's a writer longs and desires to write and be read. I'm not gonna lie to you there.
So here I am. I remembered my love and longing to pour out my mind and refreshed an old blogger site. Facebook just didn't seem like the right place. I can't promise intrigue, or even anything interesting. Just my life and thoughts and all of my quotes.
I'm 22 and heading into a brand new year. 2009. Can you believe it? Time really does fly by so fast. There is soo much planned for this year. I'm getting married. Now that's surreal. By this time next year, I will be married. To my best friend. What more could a girl ask for?
So I come to this little blog to write, to keep me sane, to remember.
...even if no one else reads it.
I chose this quote for today because it is so true, especially starting out in a new year. There are so many new days, new tomorrows, waiting for the taking. So here I am.
As luck and boredom would have it, at work today I stumbled across some old journals and blogs I used to keep vigorously--sometimes just little notes, sometimes heartfelt books. And I remembered just how much I love to write. And just how much I miss it, and ache for it in a part of my soul I sometimes forget is there. That is sad...and rather ridiculous. I'm 22. Why am I pushing my dreams so far off to the side already? Why am I making sacrifices that I don't need to or have to make yet?
I can still write. Even if it's just little blogs here and there that no one reads. Although, any writer who's a writer longs and desires to write and be read. I'm not gonna lie to you there.
So here I am. I remembered my love and longing to pour out my mind and refreshed an old blogger site. Facebook just didn't seem like the right place. I can't promise intrigue, or even anything interesting. Just my life and thoughts and all of my quotes.
I'm 22 and heading into a brand new year. 2009. Can you believe it? Time really does fly by so fast. There is soo much planned for this year. I'm getting married. Now that's surreal. By this time next year, I will be married. To my best friend. What more could a girl ask for?
So I come to this little blog to write, to keep me sane, to remember.
...even if no one else reads it.
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