"when the tears fall" by tim hughes
this song has been my anthem this month...and there's a lot of people i would highly recommend this song to...because who hasn't had a tear fall? who hasn't had a question? (that's the alternate title...i've had questions) so check out these lyrics...and listen to the song...it moves me to tears and always moves me to Him...my abba daddy holding me...
"I've had questions without answers
I've known sorrow, I have known pain
But there's one thing that I cling to
You are faithful, Jesus You're true
When hope is lost
I call You Saviour
When pain surrounds
I call You Healer
When silence falls
You'll be the song within my heart
In the lone hour of my sorrow
Through the darkest night of my soul
You surround me, You sustain me
My defender for ever more
When hope is lost
I call You Saviour
When pain surrounds
I call You Healer
When silence falls
You'll be the song within my heart
And I will praise You
I will Praise You
When the tears fall
Still I will sing to You
I will praise You
Jesus praise You
Through the suffering
Still I will sing to You
When hope is lost
I call You Saviour
When pain surrounds
I call You Healer
When silence falls
You'll be the song within my heart
I will praise You
I will praise You
When the tears fall
Still I will sing to you
I will praise You
Jesus I will praise You
Through the suffering
Still I will sing to you
When the laughter fails to comfort
When my heart aches, Lord You'll be there
When confusion is all around me
And the darkness is my closest friend
Still I'll praise You
Jesus praise You "
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
"isn't it ironic...don'tcha think?"
here's the ironic part, stick with the story, i gotta build up to it...
Summer 2007...i got this idea for a story and started doing some research and writing it. the thing is...i normally write stories about the things i know maybe including some sort of illness that i don't deal with on a regular basis...you know something to make life interesting! :) so i started writing this story that was totally something that was from my imagination and no part of it was really a fanciful version of my life...total fiction. well summer 2007 was 2 years ago. this story basically got shelved like the rest of my started works. it never got past like page 5. but ive always kept it on my laptop.
May 2009...that post where "creative juices started flowing..." member? i came back to that story and added some more to it. it was about a married couple. the original idea totally came from a dream (and not a dream where Dan and I were married, that's for sure. marriage was not really on my mind summer 07). so now (may 09) i had slight marriage knowledge so i was adding to the story. story once again got pushed aside for loss of ideas and business.
October 2009...going through my laptop and the story comes up. ironic part i never told you. story is about a married couple going trying to live life after a miscarriage. ..... that's right. ironic? i think so. either i was prophesying way back in 07 or i just spoke something into existence, which kinda sucks. because back then, i knew nothing about married life and i knew nothing about what a miscarriage felt like. now i do. maybe i'll start some more work on this one. maybe this one is supposed to be the book i actually finish.
maybe this one i'll carry to term, actually complete, and give birth to a best seller.
Summer 2007...i got this idea for a story and started doing some research and writing it. the thing is...i normally write stories about the things i know maybe including some sort of illness that i don't deal with on a regular basis...you know something to make life interesting! :) so i started writing this story that was totally something that was from my imagination and no part of it was really a fanciful version of my life...total fiction. well summer 2007 was 2 years ago. this story basically got shelved like the rest of my started works. it never got past like page 5. but ive always kept it on my laptop.
May 2009...that post where "creative juices started flowing..." member? i came back to that story and added some more to it. it was about a married couple. the original idea totally came from a dream (and not a dream where Dan and I were married, that's for sure. marriage was not really on my mind summer 07). so now (may 09) i had slight marriage knowledge so i was adding to the story. story once again got pushed aside for loss of ideas and business.
October 2009...going through my laptop and the story comes up. ironic part i never told you. story is about a married couple going trying to live life after a miscarriage. ..... that's right. ironic? i think so. either i was prophesying way back in 07 or i just spoke something into existence, which kinda sucks. because back then, i knew nothing about married life and i knew nothing about what a miscarriage felt like. now i do. maybe i'll start some more work on this one. maybe this one is supposed to be the book i actually finish.
maybe this one i'll carry to term, actually complete, and give birth to a best seller.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
"wishing you were somehow here again..."
that song just popped in to my head...from phantom of the opera. quite appropriate i guess.
realized yesterday that i would've finished my first trimester...made me sad. soaked in a tub last night and just looked at my tummy knowing there was no longer a little baby, a little heartbeat inside. right now, i should have a little belly starting to show...and i don't. i should be a third of the way through my pregnancy, instead i'm sitting here with nothing.
i know there will be moments...i have them.
maybe it just hit me because this past week was rough! not emotionally...that was 2 weeks ago. this week was busy, stressful, frustrating...because of my J.O.B. but my mary kay business is taking off. like popcorn, jamie says. it's all gonna happen this month. i am finishing my car and will be a director before the year is over. and i was given this urgency and ultimate motivation because of my little blueberry baby. and now, my baby's gone...but i still want to finish these goals. finish strong. to show my little baby up in heaven that its momma is a survivor, a fighter, a super woman!
i wanted to be pregnant with my best friend. and we almost were. i'm so excited for her. but today...my heart is sad, knowing our babies would've only been 6 weeks apart.
realized yesterday that i would've finished my first trimester...made me sad. soaked in a tub last night and just looked at my tummy knowing there was no longer a little baby, a little heartbeat inside. right now, i should have a little belly starting to show...and i don't. i should be a third of the way through my pregnancy, instead i'm sitting here with nothing.
i know there will be moments...i have them.
maybe it just hit me because this past week was rough! not emotionally...that was 2 weeks ago. this week was busy, stressful, frustrating...because of my J.O.B. but my mary kay business is taking off. like popcorn, jamie says. it's all gonna happen this month. i am finishing my car and will be a director before the year is over. and i was given this urgency and ultimate motivation because of my little blueberry baby. and now, my baby's gone...but i still want to finish these goals. finish strong. to show my little baby up in heaven that its momma is a survivor, a fighter, a super woman!
i wanted to be pregnant with my best friend. and we almost were. i'm so excited for her. but today...my heart is sad, knowing our babies would've only been 6 weeks apart.
Monday, October 5, 2009
"if i lay here...would you lie with me and just forget the world"
i don't know how i feel. i really don't. so you don't have to ask. because i don't know. i don't know what to say when people ask me that. i'm doing fine today. i'm ok today.
but there are moments.
sometimes i wonder if it hasn't really hit me yet. or if i just don't know how to grieve. because i've only had a few moments. i mean the day we found out was hard. but that was almost 2 weeks ago. since then i've only broke down a few times. i've been too busy. well not even that. i don't wanna say i've had too many excuses to grieve or whatever. i just jumped back in to the cycle because i didn't know what else to do. and because i kinda think i had to. my jobs didn't really offer a whole lot of time to just sit back and not work. i don't feel like i had that option. so now i'm back in the full swing of things and i don't feel like i have the time to go backwards and be sad.
so there's just moments.
like last tuesday. the day after all the serious stuff. i worked in the nursery. and held my new little favorite. a little 6 week old baby. he is so tiny and so precious. and as we sat in the corner and i rocked and fed him, i just lost it. i wanted it so bad. i wanted to be able to hold my little baby and rock and sing to them. but i didn't get the chance. and at that moment, he grabbed my finger and held on tight and i just sat there and bawled.
on wednesday i was doing fine. until they sang "you never let go" at delta. and i lost it. he never lets go of me. through the calm and through the storm.
and i've been so good since then...practically a week. and today...today has just been, melancholy. i dunno why. there's just been moments when tears spring to my eyes and i don't know why.
i guess, my biggest thing i've been thinking about today is God's plan. the thing that i just do not get is why this is God's plan. the pregnancy was soooo obviously God's plan. everything happened so perfectly and exactly that it had to be God's doing. so if that was God's plan, why did it end this way? why would God plan it to happen this way? does God plan for the hardships and pain to happen? or does He just know it's going to happen and it's not what He wants? but if He knows, why let it happen? i know we're not supposed to know or get it. and i'm not necessarily questioning God and everything like that. but those are the circles my mind is running in.
and then there's the whole thing...when we found out that we were pregnant, it wasn't exactly what we'd been planning...but we weren't scared. we were completely trusting that this was God's plan for us and that He was doing what was best for us. and now to have it end this way...why is this what's best for us? Why take the baby away? were we really not going to do a good job yet? did he think we weren't ready? and i know this probably isn't true...but still, the thoughts are there.
but i just don't know what i'm feeling. i'm thinking. i'm healing physically. but i don't know what i'm feeling. and it's hard to even figure out what i'm thinking. everything has happened so quickly that my body is moving on and i can barely wrap my mind and emotions around what is going on. so if i just lay here...would you lie with me and just forget the world?
but there are moments.
sometimes i wonder if it hasn't really hit me yet. or if i just don't know how to grieve. because i've only had a few moments. i mean the day we found out was hard. but that was almost 2 weeks ago. since then i've only broke down a few times. i've been too busy. well not even that. i don't wanna say i've had too many excuses to grieve or whatever. i just jumped back in to the cycle because i didn't know what else to do. and because i kinda think i had to. my jobs didn't really offer a whole lot of time to just sit back and not work. i don't feel like i had that option. so now i'm back in the full swing of things and i don't feel like i have the time to go backwards and be sad.
so there's just moments.
like last tuesday. the day after all the serious stuff. i worked in the nursery. and held my new little favorite. a little 6 week old baby. he is so tiny and so precious. and as we sat in the corner and i rocked and fed him, i just lost it. i wanted it so bad. i wanted to be able to hold my little baby and rock and sing to them. but i didn't get the chance. and at that moment, he grabbed my finger and held on tight and i just sat there and bawled.
on wednesday i was doing fine. until they sang "you never let go" at delta. and i lost it. he never lets go of me. through the calm and through the storm.
and i've been so good since then...practically a week. and today...today has just been, melancholy. i dunno why. there's just been moments when tears spring to my eyes and i don't know why.
i guess, my biggest thing i've been thinking about today is God's plan. the thing that i just do not get is why this is God's plan. the pregnancy was soooo obviously God's plan. everything happened so perfectly and exactly that it had to be God's doing. so if that was God's plan, why did it end this way? why would God plan it to happen this way? does God plan for the hardships and pain to happen? or does He just know it's going to happen and it's not what He wants? but if He knows, why let it happen? i know we're not supposed to know or get it. and i'm not necessarily questioning God and everything like that. but those are the circles my mind is running in.
and then there's the whole thing...when we found out that we were pregnant, it wasn't exactly what we'd been planning...but we weren't scared. we were completely trusting that this was God's plan for us and that He was doing what was best for us. and now to have it end this way...why is this what's best for us? Why take the baby away? were we really not going to do a good job yet? did he think we weren't ready? and i know this probably isn't true...but still, the thoughts are there.
but i just don't know what i'm feeling. i'm thinking. i'm healing physically. but i don't know what i'm feeling. and it's hard to even figure out what i'm thinking. everything has happened so quickly that my body is moving on and i can barely wrap my mind and emotions around what is going on. so if i just lay here...would you lie with me and just forget the world?
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