for some reason that song has repeatedly popped into my head this weekend. it's the one by anna nalick. and the verses don't really have anything to do with what we're going through...but the chorus just keeps popping up. "cause we can't jump the tracks, we're like cars on a cable, and life's like an hourglass glued to the table. no one can find the rewind button, girl. so cradle your head in your hands. and breathe, just breathe."
there's no real way to explain what has happened or what is really going on right now.
Thursday we went in for our 9 week ultrasound. They could not find a heartbeat. Thursday was heartbreaking. so many tears. so much raw emotion. friday, it was surreal; not quite believable. nothing felt any different. a waiting game. how could this be true? late friday night, the spotting began. with that came a whole new realm of tears. knowing our baby was no longer alive; no chance for a miracle. saturday was an escape. i sat and watched movie after movie and did not really acknowledge the world or my situation. and sunday. sunday came the pain. god awful cramps and excruciating pain accompanied by an immense loss of blood. i was in pain, i was scared to be alone, and i knew we had lost our baby. monday morning. pain was pretty much gone. blood loss had lessened. and early the morning, i saw our baby in the flesh.
the weirdest moment of my life. if you're grossed out easily this will maybe gross you out. all i can say is that this day has been so outside of myself. i feel very disjuncted and objective. and i have a feeling, come tomorrow and the days that follow, the emotions that i should have felt today will probably sneak up on me. today i saw my little baby. the pinprick of eyes, little arms, tiny body. tiny doesn't do it justice. so small. how can something that small be alive and have a heartbeat. and yet, it was. that was my baby.
and i lost it.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Monday, September 7, 2009
Memoirs of a girl becoming a mommy...
Wow. Isn't that crazy? I don't post for ages...(sorry) and then I come back and KaPow! I'm pregnant! The reason I hadn't blogged in ages was because I got an actual physical paper journal and was writing in that...tho not very consistantly. And now, here I am. I figured I better document this journey because it's the only time I'll be pregnant for the first time!
Surprise! God's plans are always different than mine. When will that lesson sink in? He keeps trying to teach me that and I keep making my life plans. So He throws in a surprise here and there to keep me guessing. This is, of course, a good surprise--just not at all what we were expecting or ready for. But I guess no one is really completely ready for their first kid!
So we found out Aug 19th for positive, though we'd kinda been guessing and talking about it for the weeks prior. Not because it was planned by us, but because everything was so exact that it had to be planned by God. His fingerprints are all over this one! We told our parents/families the following weekend (the 28th) and then Dan exploding on Sunday and told practically everyone at PM, and then after telling a bunch of our friends it went up on Facebook on Tuesday to just get it out to the world.
And here we are. Technically today I am exactly 5 weeks from conception (so 5 out of 38 weeks), although most of the time they start counting weeks from the first day of the last cycle, so then I'm 7 weeks along out of 40. We have a little blueberry this week! We've found a bunch of sites that tell you what is going on and such that are very helpful and informative. But one of my favs is http://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/blogs/nb_checklists/pages/how-big-is-baby.aspx?r=0. Check it out! It tells you how the baby's growing, but then gives you it's size according to a fruit, etc. Really cute. So we have a blueberry!
So to answer the typical questions...we are due around April 25/26th. We haven't gotten the for sure Doctor assigned due date...but that should be it. I'm doing ok and Dan's doing great. I have had some morning sickness, but I think my vitamins were making it worse. So I switched and am now taking these huge horsepills at night and that has pretty much eliminated most of the morning sickness. I've only had like one real bad day, but I still never actually threw up. I think the biggest thing for me, is I'm EXHAUSTED! All the time. Constantly. Like as soon as I get up, I'm tired already. And if you know me, I'm not a napper. It's really hard for me to actually take naps. So I just try to rest when I can. We are planning on knowing the gender (but we don't plan on telling everyone exactly what we choose for the name because we don't want everyone walking up and talking to the baby as if they already know it! And we also wanna make sure we meet our little one before deciding a name for certain!) We should find out the gender in November--just in time for Christmas presents!
I think that's most of what people have been asking and such...
Dan and I are doing great. Trying to figure out how we can rearrange furniture and such to maximize space in our apartment. I figure we will be fine in this apartment for awhile. While the baby's stuff might take up some extra space--the baby itself won't need a lot of space til it's like a year or two! I know this place feels rather small when we have a 3 year old Riley over.
Speaking of my favorite little boy...I'm sure he will be jealous, but right now, he's just adorable. He walks around going "There's a baby in Betta's tummy" and he'll point at it! So cute! And then I asked him if he was going to play with the baby when it came out of my tummy and he goes, "Well, you better hold it because I can't. But I can be friends with it!" I love him. And I'm really hoping Theresa and Justin get going soon because I want a pregnancy partner and then our little babies will have built in friends! I'm a firm believer in betrothal at birth! hehe
PS...Dan has a gut feeling it's going to be a boy, but I think it's going to be a girl. The funny thing is, Dan has always wanted a girl first and I'm a total sucker for baby boys (well...babies in general I guess!) But when I start thinking about this little one...my mind automatically goes to "baby girl" and I can think of dozens of names and fun things, but "boy" is totally blank. Besides, I pretty much knew immediately that I was pregnant, so maybe that instinct will apply to this too! Of course we will be thrilled with either gender; we just want a healthy little one. 10 tiny fingers, 10 tiny toes.
What else is going on in our lives? Well I went on target for the Chevy Malibu last month! And now my goal is to have it earned by the end of October so I can get it before it snows! And then I can be a director before the baby is born! That is the ultimate goal. Because I have always wanted to be a stay home mom. Just be home and finally be able to write and do the things I love. Mary Kay can totally provide that for our family, so that's what I'm working hard towards. I've got my urgency and my deadline and I WILL DO IT! I can't wait! I'll have a Jensen Unit and a little Jensen family!
Well I guess this is long enough for you all to get through. Just catching you up I guess! Till next time!
Surprise! God's plans are always different than mine. When will that lesson sink in? He keeps trying to teach me that and I keep making my life plans. So He throws in a surprise here and there to keep me guessing. This is, of course, a good surprise--just not at all what we were expecting or ready for. But I guess no one is really completely ready for their first kid!
So we found out Aug 19th for positive, though we'd kinda been guessing and talking about it for the weeks prior. Not because it was planned by us, but because everything was so exact that it had to be planned by God. His fingerprints are all over this one! We told our parents/families the following weekend (the 28th) and then Dan exploding on Sunday and told practically everyone at PM, and then after telling a bunch of our friends it went up on Facebook on Tuesday to just get it out to the world.
And here we are. Technically today I am exactly 5 weeks from conception (so 5 out of 38 weeks), although most of the time they start counting weeks from the first day of the last cycle, so then I'm 7 weeks along out of 40. We have a little blueberry this week! We've found a bunch of sites that tell you what is going on and such that are very helpful and informative. But one of my favs is http://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/blogs/nb_checklists/pages/how-big-is-baby.aspx?r=0. Check it out! It tells you how the baby's growing, but then gives you it's size according to a fruit, etc. Really cute. So we have a blueberry!
So to answer the typical questions...we are due around April 25/26th. We haven't gotten the for sure Doctor assigned due date...but that should be it. I'm doing ok and Dan's doing great. I have had some morning sickness, but I think my vitamins were making it worse. So I switched and am now taking these huge horsepills at night and that has pretty much eliminated most of the morning sickness. I've only had like one real bad day, but I still never actually threw up. I think the biggest thing for me, is I'm EXHAUSTED! All the time. Constantly. Like as soon as I get up, I'm tired already. And if you know me, I'm not a napper. It's really hard for me to actually take naps. So I just try to rest when I can. We are planning on knowing the gender (but we don't plan on telling everyone exactly what we choose for the name because we don't want everyone walking up and talking to the baby as if they already know it! And we also wanna make sure we meet our little one before deciding a name for certain!) We should find out the gender in November--just in time for Christmas presents!
I think that's most of what people have been asking and such...
Dan and I are doing great. Trying to figure out how we can rearrange furniture and such to maximize space in our apartment. I figure we will be fine in this apartment for awhile. While the baby's stuff might take up some extra space--the baby itself won't need a lot of space til it's like a year or two! I know this place feels rather small when we have a 3 year old Riley over.
Speaking of my favorite little boy...I'm sure he will be jealous, but right now, he's just adorable. He walks around going "There's a baby in Betta's tummy" and he'll point at it! So cute! And then I asked him if he was going to play with the baby when it came out of my tummy and he goes, "Well, you better hold it because I can't. But I can be friends with it!" I love him. And I'm really hoping Theresa and Justin get going soon because I want a pregnancy partner and then our little babies will have built in friends! I'm a firm believer in betrothal at birth! hehe
PS...Dan has a gut feeling it's going to be a boy, but I think it's going to be a girl. The funny thing is, Dan has always wanted a girl first and I'm a total sucker for baby boys (well...babies in general I guess!) But when I start thinking about this little one...my mind automatically goes to "baby girl" and I can think of dozens of names and fun things, but "boy" is totally blank. Besides, I pretty much knew immediately that I was pregnant, so maybe that instinct will apply to this too! Of course we will be thrilled with either gender; we just want a healthy little one. 10 tiny fingers, 10 tiny toes.
What else is going on in our lives? Well I went on target for the Chevy Malibu last month! And now my goal is to have it earned by the end of October so I can get it before it snows! And then I can be a director before the baby is born! That is the ultimate goal. Because I have always wanted to be a stay home mom. Just be home and finally be able to write and do the things I love. Mary Kay can totally provide that for our family, so that's what I'm working hard towards. I've got my urgency and my deadline and I WILL DO IT! I can't wait! I'll have a Jensen Unit and a little Jensen family!
Well I guess this is long enough for you all to get through. Just catching you up I guess! Till next time!
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