"breath of heaven, hold me together"

because i can't hold myself together...

there are days when it's very hard. there are moments when i stare at my belly wishing I couldn't fit into my pants anymore. i lay in bed wishing i was gaining weight. i close my eyes and i see just how beautiful she would've been. we would've known for sure by now if it was a boy or girl and i know i would've been right. my baby would've been beautiful and perfect and that catches in my throat. i should be carrying a tiny little person. knitting little sweaters and hats. preparing for a life that is no longer here.

i should be fine. i should be better at acting fine.

and there are days when i totally am. days when i don't cry. but lately...it's hard. holidays are harder when you've lost someone, huh? i've never had to deal with grief before. and i know there will only be more grief as the years go on.

but it was my baby. and i know it was probably better. i know it was God's plan. and His is always best. I know that there was a reason; that there was probably something wrong. i know that it's probably better that i lost the baby at 9 nine weeks rather than 19 or 29.

but still...the baby's gone. and i'm here alone. and i've got to keep moving forward and trusting.